Last time I sat in my therapist's office I poured my heart out and asked
"so... am I okay?"
He confirmed “yes, you’re in a period of self discovery. This isn’t grief”
I sat in my therapist’s office today.
Poured my heart out.
Before I could ask, he said:
“This one is grief.”
It felt like a diagnosis.
One I felt all the symptoms of but was in denial.
There’s this thing about vulnerability I hadn’t encountered yet.
My career grows as I evolve.
Relationships open up when I lay it all out on the table.
I adapted to this.
But life doesn’t always reward vulnerability.
We know there is strength in exposing our biggest flaws.
We also know there is opportunity for rejection and hurt.
I always faced that head on, for the thrill, for the growth...
It feels good until it doesn’t.
It’s when the expectation of opportunity becomes an attachment to outcome that vulnerability turns into a double edged sword.
You can appear to have all the cards on the table and unconsciously forget about the ace of spades hiding in your back pocket.
You can do all the therapy, read all the books, have all the personal development courses out there... and you still get knocked down by the proverbial punching bag that swings back after you thought you fired your last hit.
Just because you’re vulnerable doesn’t mean you are healed.
What do I do, doc? Give it to me straight.
Integration.
A fancy word for sit down, be humble, and feel out your $@!&.
But you can’t tell a brick wall those things. They're like me, they just stand there and don’t listen.
Until...
Until it comes knocking at your door with a sledgehammer and you just have no choice but to witness the entire roadmap that brought you to your knees today.
I don't know where its bringing me but despite the pain I am eager for it.
Everyone can walk farther on their kneecaps than they can on their feet.
