What Happens When You Have To Live Without The Person You Can't Live Without.

They left me with your shadow, saying things like "life is not fair". And I believed them for a long time. But today, I remembered the way you laughed and the heat of your hand in mine, and I knew that life is more fair than we can ever imagine if we are there to live it.

-Storybook People

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It's always such a heart breaking moment - the one in which we realize that someone we love is no longer with us

There's a longing, knowing I no longer have a grandmother's lap to rest my head. When I am tired and weak, she is no longer my resting place.

There's an ache. When I just want to call you… when I just want to hear your voice. Even if it’s just for you to ask me about the weather or tell me what you had for dinner. Those were our conversations sometimes.

As Baba’s only granddaughter. I had a very special bond with her, being Baba’s little girl.

I fed her the last meals, I kissed her the last goodnight, I held her hand just before her life slipped from it. I knew before the phone rang that she was gone.

I've been thinking of the sentiment: "I can't live without you". Some of the sweetest words, to believe in and value someone so much, you can't imagine a single day without them.

But when that day comes, what happens when we have to live without the person we can't live without? We find that sun the sun still rises, we're still breathing, still taking one step after another, and our hearts are still beating -- even if its slower.

My grandparents were married for 58 years. They are the couple I look up to when I think of a perfect love. In 1955 he swept her off her feet. He asked to share a life with her. You can see it in all the photographs throughout the years. The bliss and love on their faces. There are so many photos of her smiling at the camera while he smiles at her. This is how we love -- in awe of the life we've created.

Near the end of her life, when we saw her getting tired, I asked myself that question: "how will he live without her?" For 58 years, they built a life together. They worked together, travelled together, raised a family together, grew old together. I've been living with Gido since a few days before she passed. We sit together, we eat breakfast together. He makes me so proud. He and Baba showed me what it is to love and cherish. And now they are showing me what it is to keep on after the one you love is gone. 

On Christmas Eve in 2011, I spent my evening cuddling with Baba in her hospital bed during one of the times she had been admitted for her heart. We lay there together and I asked her for the secrets to a good marriage and her bread recipe. I’ll never be able to get that dough like she did. It doesn’t matter if we used the exact same recipe step by step, there’s something about the way Baba makes it that we’ll never be able to. She loved to make things for the family, whether it was food or crafts, she liked keeping her hands busy. Rolling perohy, holubtsi, cross stitch, paper tool, knitting… A couple years ago she knitted me mittens. Her dexterity wasn't very good at this time so it may have been one of her last projects. It took her a while to finish them, and they’re very special. One of them has a heart on it. And the other one has a big letter U. 

Love you.

As for the secret to marriage, she responded that the secret is…

Be calm. Talk nice. Don’t fight. And if he wants to have something different for dinner than you do, that’s okay.

Gido told me that on the day she passed, he prayed to God,

 “Lord… take her to your garden, and make her blossom again”

I wonder how many pieces of my heart will remain at the end of my life. When someone passes it truly feels like part of our hearts went with them. It's inevitable that many people we love will leave us in our lifetime. Do we have an infinite amount of heart-pieces?

I'd like to think that with every loss and every break, our heart grows. There is a heart shaped piece with Baba's name on it that I hope she takes with her wherever she is. But I think in return, my heart has grown two sizes from all the love I received from her throughout my lifetime.

There's a comfort in knowing that she's no longer hurting. There's a security in the feeling that she's always watching over us.

I feel it when I'm going to sleep at night. I feel it when I wake up to a new day. I feel her. And I know that she's here.

Your fingerprints are left on our hearts. Every ounce of love you have to give is received.

Thank you. We miss you. We love you.

Song of the day: Carry You Home - James Blunt