Unapologetically Me

The thing about writing...

Writing is isolating. You do it alone. Even if you're writing in a crowded room, you're writing alone. How do you be in the world and also be alone? Be inspired by the world but then also have that alone time to gather and write? Writing takes balance and discipline. It takes that part of your brain that is cranking the gears on the side to work bits and pieces of conversation and daily experience into something you can write about. My brain is always taking notes.

When I started writing was when I learned how beautiful it is to be alone. And how being alone doesn't mean lonely. I love being alone. I love my me-time. I love spending time with myself. It wasn't always that way, but now that I've discovered it... It's a good place to live from. 

Loving yourself enough that you get to choose from the heart rather than from fear. Not staying in a relationship because you're afraid to be alone. Not doing anything that doesn't benefit your life in some way. Choosing to be with people who inspire you, encourage you, make your life better. Having no guilt saying "NO" to the ones who don't. Putting yourself first and being unapologetic about it.

The Art of Letting Go

Basements. Sometimes they are used for storage. Sometimes for extra luxury space in your home. I'm consciously tuning into my deepest darkest corners for the clutter I may be holding on to. The things sitting there that I've forgotten about. The stuff I've pushed to the side with the intention of "getting around to it eventually". The items that I keep thinking I may one day need it, but likely won't ever... My house looks like this too, and I have no doubt that it's a reflection of myself. I moved to this house over a year ago. There are still boxes in the basement waiting to be unpacked. We all have things like these. Again, a reflection. There always seems to be baggage you forgot you had.

In my defense, I have done a lot to make the basement into "extra luxury space" rather than storage, and a lot of the boxes that are left unpacked are because they're waiting for the renovations to be completed, whenever that may be. 

I moved in with my Gido to help take care of him after my Baba passed away, so my home doesn't really feel like "mine". But as long as my Gido is here there is nowhere else I'd rather be. I wouldn't trade hearing his same stories over and over again for anything. Or having to monitor what he puts in the freezer. Or making sure he eats more than just mayonnaise sandwiches every day. Or always living with the scent of Listerine and Apple Cider Vinegar because he believes they are the best home remedies for just about anything.

We are in the process of renovating. We have cleared out enough junk to fill three 5-tonne dumpsters. Sometimes as we are throwing out the junk, Gido stops us and says "wait, don't throw that away"-- pointing at a broken chair. I know he has good intentions. I know he thinks he can fix it and make it better. But that's also how we have enough junk here to fill three dumpsters, thinking he'll one day get to it and mend everything he stored away. But the truth is, you can't fix everything. You can't make everything better. Take what you need, keep what's sentimental, let go of the rest. 

As I clear out space I feel a shift in myself happening. We're in a period of transition with the change of seasons, the transformation of our home, and adjustments in our routines. As I clear out space in my home I feel that space is clearing in my life. Things that no longer serve me are falling away, new experiences are showing up unexpectedly. And then there's this feeling like something else exciting is on it's way. It's like I'm waiting on the platform for a train to arrive but not sure what will greet me. Whatever life brings I know it will be good.

In the meantime... I have another dumpster to fill.

Putting Men On The Moon

I was told a story once, about a group of high level business executives getting a tour of NASA. They were brought to all the special behind the scenes areas, shown the most incredible awe-inspiring technology. They met some of the renowned explorers and inventors who have done such amazing things. An amazing experience to see all of this.

Along their way in the tour, one of the executives struck up a conversation with a janitor he saw sweeping the floors. The businessman said: "What do you do here?"

The man momentarily stopped sweeping, pointed up at the sky and said: "I'm putting men on the moon".

Thinking of this story inspires me so much and makes me think about my leadership in any role I'm in. There is no job that is beneath me. There is not one person that doesn't deserve my attention. Make a positive impact on every single person.

Say "hello", say "good job", say "thank you!"

And In Dreams We Listened Closely...

Last night I had a dream with my cousin.
I had been talking about her just the other night and wished I would have a dream of her again soon. Shortly after she died I had several dreams of her. It feels amazing to hear her voice and see her again.

Sure enough, in my dream last night I found us taking an art class together. She's an amazing artist. I thought it was funny that here we were, sitting at two blank canvases together. She told me that she would come to me in my dreams to help me begin therapy to heal me since she's passed, and that she would teach me. I asked, "What do you mean? What will you teach me?" 

And as she started to tell me, I was jolted awake by the sound of my Grandfather's emergency button being activated. He wears an alert bracelet with a button he can press in the event of an emergency to call for help. This has only happened once before in July, when I arrived home to ambulances flashing outside of my house. A moment of pure panic. I yelled, woke up Wayne, bolted out of bed, burst out the door... to silence. The alarm wasn't going off. Gido was fine. He was sleeping. If anything the only sound I could hear was his snoring.

I dreamed up the emergency alarm too.

What will she teach me?!!!

My last letter from her - A quote from Storybook People

"That's A Lie, I Wasn't Born Ready... I Had To Be Induced"

Just as I can look at someone on the street and make up their life story, I wonder if coroners do the same: uncovering a pretend biography based on the autopsy.

At the end of my life, I wonder how much they could find based on the marks left on my body.

They'll find my bony hips and piano fingers. Two circular scars from chicken pox: 3 years old. Right ankle, a burn scar from a date gone bad: 18 years old. Weak right wrist after breaking it in dental school. Poor wrists overall: being a dental hygienist. Bone indents in the left shin: summers playing at Baba and Gido's. Flexible elbow: dislocating it twice under the age of 4... didn't mind it the second time cause it meant more animal crackers from the doctor. Loonie shape scars on both knees and my big toe at 8, from tripping over my pool toys in Mexico, and then Gido thinking listerine was a good substitute for polysporin.

A brain that couldn't get to sleep. An imagination that was saw monsters in the dark even as an adult. Three healed but still visible scars over the heart. Small piece missing and location unknown. Vocal cords scratched. Music still playing in my head between my ears. Small red dots on my fingers, needle poke injuries and blood sugar tests. I wasn't diabetic but I tried to be compassionate.

Somehow these experiences have left a roadmap on my body, each leaving memories. Some good, some bad, some bad at the time but good once its over with-- like most things usually. In the way that everything happens for a reason, even if the reason is just for the next thing to happen.

Song of the day: Paradise - Coldplay

Set It Free & Let It Be.

Judging yourself for what you haven't yet accomplished is kind of
like taking rocket fuel from a rocket so that it might fly higher.
The rocket needs fuel.
You deserve a standing ovation
-Mike Dooley

_______

We guard ourselves to avoid getting hurt. We clam up in our shells and hide behind these self-made walls. We think we are protecting ourselves. We save money for worst-case scenarios that will likely never come true. We say we love ourselves, but we hide. We prepare for bad things to happen. And we wonder why we create lack and illness in the world.

How hard is it to let go? I sit in a women's group every week and we talk about our anxiety, stress, fears, insecurities, and how much we wish we could just "let go". Well, why not? Why can't we just do it? It should be just that easy, right? What is my insecurity serving me? How do my fears help me? When is anxiety ever good for me?

I have this crazy brain that imagines up the worst possible things that could happen. We want positive things to manifest but we're living in a chaotic environment that distracts us from thinking those positive thoughts. Sometimes when my imagination comes up with these nightmare situations that may occur, I ride it out. I let myself imagine every single horrific intricate detail... and then, because I can control my imagination, I make up this big stick of dynamite and blow it up. Thanks, but not happening. If I can control my imagination and take that thought and say, "not gonna happen", I can use my imagination to create all the good positive things I want to occur in my life and make THAT happen.

When you think something is too good to be true, or you want something so bad you're scared to lose it before you even have it, when you hold on so tightly because you want it to come true... holding on tightly doesn't let what you want slip into your hands and allow you to have it. People. Money. Love. If I hold on too tight, it can break within my grasp. So I let it flow freely and I do my best to trust. When I pay for something, when I give love, when I appreciate someone, I think "There's more where that came from. Money flows easily and frequently. There is an endless amount of love here." - instead of worrying about spending and fretting about reciprocation.

Being attached to the outcome is what makes me lose what I want. How do I know I don't need what I want? Because I don't have it. There is so much freedom in being unattached to the outcome, trusting whatever is meant to happen will happen. Lost jobs, missed opportunities, ended relationships...

How do I know it was meant to happen? Because it did.

And if I held on to that too tightly, how would the other amazing, wonderful, completely meant-to-be opportunities flow through my hands if I was grasping too tightly to what I thought I wanted?

Song of the day: Never Let Me Go - Florence and the Machine

If I Could Speak To That Old Me Now, I’d Remain Silent.

If it's appeared on your life radar, this is why: to teach you that dreams come true, to reveal that you have the power to fix what's broken and heal what hurts; to catapult you beyond seeing with just your physical senses; and to lift the veils that have kept you from seeing that you're already the person you dreamed you'd become.
And believe me, that was one heck of a dream.
-The Universe (Mike Dooley)

_______

We accept the love we think we deserve. Sometimes we find ourselves in a pattern of the same relationship over and over again. In a series of abusive, negative, toxic, or unfaithful relationships, the common denominator is you. It's not them, it's you.

I've experienced a bit of them all, and I struggled to leave each time. The toxic, the unfaithful, the abusive. The serial cheater, the manipulative, the mindgames, the one that got rough when he drank. Removed from the situation, I'd be the first to tell someone to get out of the experiences I found myself in. I used to wonder why my parents never said anything when they saw me suffering in relationships, but I would I have listened anyway? We have to learn our lessons the hard way. We have to fall hard and hit bottom before we decide to get up on our own and continue on our search for what we want.

We want to be loved
We want to be cherished.
We want to be accepted and understood.

But what if there's a part of us that doesn't believe we can have what we want?

What happens when we find the person that sees us for who we are? Loves us the way we want to be loved? Treats us the way we want to be treated?

Well sometimes... We run. We hide. We make excuses. We sabotage.

I said that I want the one that sees me for me. Who loves me for who I am, not what I am. But for being warm hearted, and family oriented, and emotional, and sensitive, and likely headed in several different places at the same time but grounded in priorities and what's important.

One of the things I'm learning right now is being who I am without having to explain it to anybody, and being able to share myself with someone at the same time. Because I want to be able to share myself with somebody. And I want to find the right person that shows me how.

"Pay attention to what you say you want and what you believe about your ability to have it." - Iyanla Vanzant

Lessons In Disguise

We are only born once into life 
but in life we are reborn many times.

I am honouring myself.
I am declining invitations. I am letting the phone ring. 
I call in 'sad', or 'tired' to life's obligations if I need to spend time with myself.

I broke a mirror last week. There is a crack in my reflection. There is a long line right down the centre of my own image. We are meant to look deeper at ourselves when we are broken. We need to be brutally honest and confront what we feel, even if it hurts. We need to accept what is, even if we don't like it. We need to display what we are made of, even if we are still figuring it out.

There are many arms outstretched. There are many hearts being offered to fill the piece of mine that is missing. There are tears being shed on my behalf when I've cried out all of my own. My heart is beating in a new rhythm that I am still learning.

Something in me broke free, releasing things that were being blocked. It felt like a broken rib, and it hurts with every breath taken until it heals. In the last month it felt like part of my heart was taken from my chest, reversed, flipped inside out and shown to me: 
This is what it looks like. This is what you're doing. This is why it hurts.
And then put back in it's place to say "Now deal with it, and have nice day!"

The Universe doesn't throw any more at us than it thinks we can handle.

In the past month I have experienced some tough lessons, some heartbreaking losses, some life altering changes.

I asked for more consistency in my life, so I take responsibility for manifesting this. 
I asked for people I can trust. To know who is in my life for the right reasons. For love that is transparent and kind. A solid foundation. A stable home. A strong support system.
The Universe said "Ask and you shall receive":

Friendships and relationships ended. 
I let go of the damage and made room for forgiveness. That hurt, but it's getting better.
I bought a new car and let go of the one with all the funny quirks. That was exciting.
My grandmother's health took a turn for the worse. I was there for her last moments. I wrote a eulogy for her funeral. I watch my grandfather every day trying to recover from losing his other half. That is devastating.
I moved houses. That was tiring. Stressful at times. Still hoping to find time for a nap soon.
I was laid off from my job and hired by another company a few hours later. I'm still with the company as needed and working with them from my new job, so it's not goodbye. Definitely disappointing, but change is good. The new job comes with many exciting opportunities and fulfilment.

New job, new home, new car. I can't imagine a clearer slate.

Here's to new beginnings and trusting that everything happens for a reason.
Understanding that the Universe made these choices on my behalf to give me what I need.
This or better, thank you.

Song of the day: Go First - Rose Cousins

What Happens When You Have To Live Without The Person You Can't Live Without.

They left me with your shadow, saying things like "life is not fair". And I believed them for a long time. But today, I remembered the way you laughed and the heat of your hand in mine, and I knew that life is more fair than we can ever imagine if we are there to live it.

-Storybook People

_______________

It's always such a heart breaking moment - the one in which we realize that someone we love is no longer with us

There's a longing, knowing I no longer have a grandmother's lap to rest my head. When I am tired and weak, she is no longer my resting place.

There's an ache. When I just want to call you… when I just want to hear your voice. Even if it’s just for you to ask me about the weather or tell me what you had for dinner. Those were our conversations sometimes.

As Baba’s only granddaughter. I had a very special bond with her, being Baba’s little girl.

I fed her the last meals, I kissed her the last goodnight, I held her hand just before her life slipped from it. I knew before the phone rang that she was gone.

I've been thinking of the sentiment: "I can't live without you". Some of the sweetest words, to believe in and value someone so much, you can't imagine a single day without them.

But when that day comes, what happens when we have to live without the person we can't live without? We find that sun the sun still rises, we're still breathing, still taking one step after another, and our hearts are still beating -- even if its slower.

My grandparents were married for 58 years. They are the couple I look up to when I think of a perfect love. In 1955 he swept her off her feet. He asked to share a life with her. You can see it in all the photographs throughout the years. The bliss and love on their faces. There are so many photos of her smiling at the camera while he smiles at her. This is how we love -- in awe of the life we've created.

Near the end of her life, when we saw her getting tired, I asked myself that question: "how will he live without her?" For 58 years, they built a life together. They worked together, travelled together, raised a family together, grew old together. I've been living with Gido since a few days before she passed. We sit together, we eat breakfast together. He makes me so proud. He and Baba showed me what it is to love and cherish. And now they are showing me what it is to keep on after the one you love is gone. 

On Christmas Eve in 2011, I spent my evening cuddling with Baba in her hospital bed during one of the times she had been admitted for her heart. We lay there together and I asked her for the secrets to a good marriage and her bread recipe. I’ll never be able to get that dough like she did. It doesn’t matter if we used the exact same recipe step by step, there’s something about the way Baba makes it that we’ll never be able to. She loved to make things for the family, whether it was food or crafts, she liked keeping her hands busy. Rolling perohy, holubtsi, cross stitch, paper tool, knitting… A couple years ago she knitted me mittens. Her dexterity wasn't very good at this time so it may have been one of her last projects. It took her a while to finish them, and they’re very special. One of them has a heart on it. And the other one has a big letter U. 

Love you.

As for the secret to marriage, she responded that the secret is…

Be calm. Talk nice. Don’t fight. And if he wants to have something different for dinner than you do, that’s okay.

Gido told me that on the day she passed, he prayed to God,

 “Lord… take her to your garden, and make her blossom again”

I wonder how many pieces of my heart will remain at the end of my life. When someone passes it truly feels like part of our hearts went with them. It's inevitable that many people we love will leave us in our lifetime. Do we have an infinite amount of heart-pieces?

I'd like to think that with every loss and every break, our heart grows. There is a heart shaped piece with Baba's name on it that I hope she takes with her wherever she is. But I think in return, my heart has grown two sizes from all the love I received from her throughout my lifetime.

There's a comfort in knowing that she's no longer hurting. There's a security in the feeling that she's always watching over us.

I feel it when I'm going to sleep at night. I feel it when I wake up to a new day. I feel her. And I know that she's here.

Your fingerprints are left on our hearts. Every ounce of love you have to give is received.

Thank you. We miss you. We love you.

Song of the day: Carry You Home - James Blunt

Time Is Passing, And You Right Along With It

These words have been running through my head this week... Trying to write but I'm not sure how to put down these emotions yet.

I could hook up my heart to your ears and let my tears be your morphine drip
because maybe it's easier to let you slip away than it is to say goodbye

So I hold my breath
Because in the countdown to death the question of "why" melts into "when".
How much time do we have left? Because if I knew what I know now then...
Move pen move. Write me a mountain. Because headstones are not big enough.
My mother says stop it. Write me a poem to make me happy.
So I write this:
Stay.
She smiles and says "gotta go"
I know.
Goodbye.


Move Pen Move - Shane Koyczan

You Were Born Prequalified To Rock The World - Mike Dooley

The heart is a muscle like any other and the best exercise you can do for it is called picking yourself up off the floor -
Iain S. Thomas, author of I Wrote This For You

_______

Congratulations, you did it!

First of all, you slept last night. Which is a big accomplishment in itself considering what you've been through.

Second. When you awoke in the morning, you had the strength to pull yourself out of bed.

You hesitated when you got to the door, didn't you? You half-turned the door knob. Stopped. And considered turning back. Just for today, can I pretend I don't exist?

But you do. You're here. And your existence is what pulls others out of bed on the mornings they don't necessarily want to face the world. You might feel different from everyone else and it might make you feel alienated at times, but don't you remember? That was part of the plan.

That's when you remember the people in your life who see you for who you are and aren't scared by it. The ones that hold your heart when you don't want to. When you don't want to take responsbility for the way your heart beats, they remind you why it does.

It's reflected in the goodnight and good morning texts. The messages left for you to find in surprise places. The flowers delivered to your work. The meals dropped off at the door, knowing that your mind isn't always focused on taking care of yourself.

You smiled while reading this, knowing exactly what I'm talking about, and who those people are for you. How much they mean to you, and how grateful you are for their existence. And whether you're conscious of it or not, there are many that are grateful for yours.

Don't worry about tomorrow, because it's not here yet.
Even if it was just for today, you made it.

“And Then My Soul Saw You And It Kind Of Went, ‘Oh, There You Are. I’ve Been Looking For You’.” - Iain S. Thomas

The same way that Canadians ask about the weather and respond "It will change, just wait 5 minutes" is kind of like the same answer I'd give when someone asks what's going on in my life. It's not that it's dramatic, it's just very transformational, and very quickly.

The beautiful thing is, this is 2013 and we're making this happen.

Every person in your life is here because you chose them.
Your parents. Your significant other. Your friends. Your ex-love that broke your heart to pieces. The cashier at the grocery store that was extremely rude to you for no apparent reason. You chose them to be in your life, no matter how small or significant the relationship, to contribute to your life lessons and purpose.

Feels better knowing that, doesn't it? It's not happening to you. It's happening for you.

I surrender.

It's so easy to take the blame. To wonder what we might have done wrong, or if we weren't good enough. It's easy to be hard on ourselves, and throw a pity party for one.

You have every right to feel like this. I'm proud of you for recognizing this. Give yourself permission to feel scared, and hurt, and disappointed.

Because if we don't, we fight the whole process.

When you get the lesson, that's when they stop giving it to you.

So if everything is a mirror and the Universe is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves, what is being shown to me? What is happening within myself that is being reflected in what's happening in the relationships around me?

I received instant freedom in that question. I can choose to feel hurt and betrayed by circumstances beyond my control, or I can choose to feel empowered and enlightened. Embracing the unknown rather than resisting. Stepping away from the familiar no matter how uncomfortable it is. That seems to be what my February is about.

Every day, the world will drag you by the hand, yelling "This is important! And this is important! And this is important! You need to worry about this! And this! And this!"
And each day, it's up to you, to yank your hand back, put it on your heart and say:
"No. This is what's important."
-Iain S. Thomas, author of I Wrote This For You

Song of the day - Best Thing I Never Had - Beyonce

"When the choice is to hurt or be hurt. Cheat or be cheated. Violate or be violated. Always, always, always choose the latter." - Mike Dooley

"I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it" 
-Audrey Hepburn

I have been asking every day for the last 14 days "is this real life?"

The position of the sun during the time of my birth tells me I am a Scorpio, which is described as mysterious and secretive. At times, it is hard to open up. It is important to feel safe. It is scary to think that the people you feel safe with could turn their back at any moment. It is a risk we take to pursue love.

I've been scratching my secrets off the list one by one. I want to be completely honest and transparent so that none of my secrets go unclaimed. So that the only baggage I have left are the ones resting under my eyes - Ha! I like to think it's hereditary but let's be honest, this mind and my spirits don't let me sleep all that much. The last two nights especially, I have watched every hour on the clock pass by. My clairaudience comes in most clearly in the latest of hours. As well as my creative writing abilities. A lot of these posts are written between sunset and sunrise. Midnight hours are some of the rare few that the capacity of my mind doesn't need to be divided among obligations and people. 

The last thing I read last night before (attempting) sleep was an email from my Aunt that said "Don't settle and don't hold back from loving, if you want to. The world would be cheated if you did"

When did we stop telling little girls they could grow up to be princesses? Why do we get to a certain age and stop hearing "you can be anything you want to be when you grow up"? And why do women believe they need to be guarded and play hard to get and not give too much of themselves away? How real can I be under those rules? That wouldn't be my authentic self, and how could I accept love if I wasn't authentic? 

Being my best authentic self doesn't mean giving you only a few of the puzzle pieces and expecting you to put me together. No guessing games. I'm on your team. Here's the big picture. Maybe our pieces will fit together, maybe they won't. Beautiful. 

Here's another line we don't hear enough: You can do anything you put your mind to -- That's my favorite answer to everything, especially when it's silly. From "Do you think I get this job?" to "Can I have another cup of coffee?" to "Can I make you mine?"

You can do anything you put your mind to.

Song of the day: Happy - Leona Lewis

“Your Task Is Not To Seek For Love, But Merely To Seek And Find All The Barriers Within Yourself That You Have Built Against It.” - Rumi

“When someone is honest and vulnerable, they wring my heart - I want to hug them for being real.”

John Geddes

_______

Someone once told me that my "problem" in relationships is that I give 100%.

My problem is that I wholeheartedly give myself to another when appropriate?
And that I treat them the way I want to be treated?

Hmm. What a problem I have.

I'd rather have a bruised ego than regrets and what-ifs.

Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they’ll love you back. 

Don’t expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart but if it doesn’t, 
Be content it grew in yours

Song of the day: Fear You Won't Fall - Joshua Radin