for how long it took me to let things go.
It was not my intention to make such a
production of the emptiness between us
playing tuba on the tombstone of a soprano
to try and keep some dead singer’s perspective alive.
It’s just that I coulda swore you had sung me a love song back there
and that you meant it
but I guess sometimes people just chew with their mouth open
so I ate ear plugs alive with my throat
hoping they’d get lodged deep enough inside the empty spots
that I wouldn’t have to hear you leaving”
-Buddy Wakefield
In 2010 I sat in a lecture hall at the University of Toronto, hearing a renowned spiritual teacher give a presentation. He spoke through spirit and answered questions by the audience. Without my hand raised, he chose me. He said he could sense many guides around me and knew I had a question. At this time I did not have any close family or friends on the other side to ask him about, but I did have a deep wondering about my life. I struggled with anxiety and a deep sense of impending something that I couldn't define. I felt that something was shifting in me or that something was about to happen. I did not know how to put it into words. I asked him about it. He sort of laughed at me and asked my age, which I sheepishly responded "twenty..." He then told me "You're young. You have lots of time, you'll figure it out"
I'm not sure if he brushed me off because he truly wanted me to figure it out for myself, or if he just didn't know the right words to say to point me in the right direction. If I knew what I know now then, I would have told myself that it's just the beginning. I was waking up.
We never know we have been asleep until we wake up. You look at the clock and realize you've accidentally fallen asleep for a few hours. Or maybe years. Some of us live our lives half asleep. Going through the motions rather than growing through them. Not willing to wake up and look at ourselves and the baggage we are unknowingly holding on to, or perhaps refusing to let go of.
I have always been afraid of the dark. There is so much around you that you cannot see or protect yourself from in the dark. Yet, there is so much more we are blinded to by our egos even when the lights are on. My darkest moments have also been most magical. Bad things do not happen in life. It's our ego that labels and perceives these experiences as "bad things", when they are really just experiences, stepping stones to the next level of soul growth.
When going through the most grief in my life, I didn't suppress my pain with drugs or alcohol, but I did find other ways to suppress it. Through work, outings, keeping myself more busy than I could handle. When looking for a relationship - I was so afraid to be alone, because I was not willing to look at my inner self - I suppressed the opportunities to see myself by putting myself into the arms of unhealthy relationships. What was I afraid to see? Shouldn't I have been more afraid of what I was not seeing? I knew I struggled with trusting men. As a result, I chose men who I knew were not trustworthy. It took the pressure off to know they were not faithful or honest from the beginning. I dated men who were already committed to other women and didn't feel guilty about it so I didn't either. Until I began to wake up and look at my belief systems and patterns. I was afraid of getting hurt, yet the walls I put up were more painful than the risk of having an open heart. It hurt others in the process, and I've worked hard to forgive myself for that.
When I woke up, I realized that I had been suppressing my own intuition and taking a major detour from my healing. I realized once I uncovered myself from my shell, that there was so much to love about myself. That I could rejoice and be proud of the baby steps I took. The difference was, this time when I would fall down after each step I didn't criticize myself for it. "You did this to yourself, you're such a victim, you can't even take three steps"... you never say that to a baby learning to walk, do you? Each step became a victory. I ended relationships that I knew were unhealthy. I said no to them and said yes to me. I learned how much I love myself and I soooooo love my alone time. Warsan Shire said "I'll only have you if you're sweeter than my solitude" and I finally understood what that meant. I no longer accepted dates because they were a better alternative than being alone. I said no, knowing that being alone was sweet. That I enjoy being with myself. "You get crushed like grapes until you decide to be fine wine" - Caroline Myss.
When I realized this, that question I had asked the spiritual teacher in at the University of Toronto didn't matter any more. That search and feeling of longing for something I could not define was gone. "We're not here to search for happiness, we are here to follow our joy" - Robert Holden.
"Do you know what's better than getting to the top of a mountain? Getting there after you have been lost" - Mike Dooley. This is a reminder for my past, present, and future that it is far better to be vulnerable and love with all your heart, even if you're at risk of getting hurt. It is more of a risk to have the regrets that you didn't give it your all, that didn't love your hardest, that you left things unsaid. It is better to see what is hidden in plain view, and to love yourself for it
