I Wonder How Much Time We'll Spend Pointlessly Chasing Things Instead Of Laughing

Sometimes my hand starts to burn and I am convinced we are writing the same word at the same moment.

I reread all of my blog posts and found there are many recurring themes and many things that I have shared about myself.
In a nutshell, here it is:

Hi, my name is Marley. I like to drink red wine, watch Walter Matthau movies, and I don't sleep often- and I don't drink coffee. I've had my heart broken a few times but it was the best thing to ever happen to me. I moved out when I was 18 and I have no problem picking up and going somewhere new in search of excitement. I have a lot of ambitions. Acting, entertainment news, and performing are my passions. Life is good. And I adore my parents-- although I need to figure out where to draw the line between parent and friend so I can avoid bringing up completely inappropriate parent-child conversations, and not embarrass my mom in public. When I was younger I used to tell people Sandra Bullock was my mom. I made up a lot of weird stories when I was younger. I started getting telemarketers calling my number for "Marlise Labeouf" which is a hint that I use my fake name too often and for not good enough reasons.

Oh, and I want you to be dangerous.

Today's Entertainment News
Grammy night! Things you can look forward to:

1. J-Lo is presenting, and if we're lucky, she'll wear something along the lines of.. nothing. Like in 2000 
2. Rihanna will be attending the awards show alone. Remember, she kinda missed it last year
3. There will be talk of Haiti. Lots.
4. Lady Gaga and Elton John opening the show together!
5. A 3D tribute to Michael Jackson
6. Michael Jackson's kids are making an appearance on stage as well
7. Travis Barker performing with Drake, Eminem, and Lil Wayne
8. The Cast of the Broadway show, American Idiot will join with Green Day for a performance.
9. Possible reunion of nominees, Taylor Swift and Kanye West?

A Tree You Needed To Climb, A Trick You Needed To Learn. A Piece Of Music. A Climbing Problem. A Number Of Burning Swords To Juggle.

The only thing more painful than being an active forgetter is to be an inert rememberer.

"Everyone is always going through tough things, the irony in it is that everyone thinks what they're going through is just as hard as what you are. Life isn't about surviving this, it's about understanding this"

I like the first two minutes after you wake up in the morning. You're still not really awake and your mind hasn't fully travelled between the dream world and the real world. You're still in the transition from unconscious to conscious, between dreams, fantasy, and reality. The two minutes where everything is fine and numb. The universe somehow magically allows you 120 seconds to just be you. You don't even know where you are yet, or who is sleeping beside you--or who is not sleeping beside you. Then there's that moment where it all just hits you. All the memories come flooding back and you remember everything.

The guy you just met and the new crush you have. The rent cheque that is due and your paycheque that is late. The dreaded deadline for that assignment which has caused you sleepless nights for weeks. The fight you had with your best friend, who you didn't wake up to a "good morning" text message from.

It doesn't matter what it is, sometimes the first feelings when you wake up are so intense. But listen, get the hell up. Don't you dare turn back in under the sheets and try to sleep it off. We are built to surprise ourselves. Constantly. The alarm goes off and you think there's no way you could get up out of your safe, warm bed and make it through the day. But you do. Maybe it took a few extra cups of coffee, but you did it. You wake up with a wicked hangover and think you'll never drink again. But you do. Did you forget how much it hurt? Nope, you just remember how much fun you had. Someone crushes your hopes and dreams and whatever pieces of your heart still left in your chest and you swear that you'll never love again. Guess what? You do. And in those quiet moments where everything is perfect, it's all worth it. What goes up must come down but what is down will go back up again, I promise. I'm in one of those moods where I'm at the top of the ferris wheel. I'm content with where I am, with the view, the people, and everything around me... I always aim for a bigger ferris wheel, but in this moment, I'm happy with what I've got.

--That being said, those who know me best will know that this won't last. I'll start twitching and won't be able to sit still. Soon I'll be that obnoxious kid rocking the bench back and forth trying to make the ride more exciting.

Keep Reaching. Keep Climbing. Be Dangerous.

Today's Entertainment News

• Michael Jackson's children will be accepting his Lifetime Achievement Award tomorrow at the Grammy's
• Roy Orbison honored with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame
• "Little Fockers" - third installment of "Meet The Fockers" was supposed to be released this summer, but is now pushed back to December
• Matt Damon will be receiving the American Cinematheque Award in March. This award recognizes artists who are making a contribution to the art of movies.
• ...I told you it wasn't over. PANTS ON THE GROUND will be performed at the Grammy's on the red carpet before the show

If You Really Want To Hear About It...

"What really knocks me out is a book that, when you're all done reading it, you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it. That doesn't happen much, though"

Aw man, JD Salinger died. I was so sad when I found out. I remember reading Catcher in the Rye in grade 11. I loved how Holden was so creative in the way he spoke about his issues. I wonder how much of Holden's character portrayed JD Salinger's personality. I often think about what goes on in a writer's mind to make them think the way they do. What happened in your life to make you think that way? Who broke your heart or let you down so bad that your thought process allows you to express your feelings so deeply? What happened to JD Salinger that made him isolate himself and hide from the world for over three decades??

 I save the texts and emails I get from friends if they really hit a soft spot in me. One I got recently:

"I love to read your work, it's like a window into your soul. You're messed up."
While I wasn't sure if I should be offended or flattered, I realized that all of my favorite writers were messed up in some way, and this brought them the creativity that they were able to express in all of their stories, poem, and novels. So thanks? I think "messed up" may not be the right words... but I'd rather be messed up than be merely satisfied. I'd rather have substantial thoughts to express than none at all.

On a completely unrelated note, here's an entertaining video Miley Cyrus made of her friends dancing to "4 Minutes" ...how did she manage to convince Channing Tatum to make an appearance?

Today's Entertainment News
The Grammy's are this weekend. The big question: WHAT WILL LADY GAGA WEAR?!

• Elton John and Lady Gaga are rumored to be performing together at the Grammy's
• Fellow Canadian DRAKE to perform alongside Eminem and Lil Wayne at the Grammy
• Hockey Musical "Score" to be filmed starring Olivia Newton John 
• Today is National Lady Gaga Day!

Writer's Block Is Like Not Getting A Snow Day. You Don't Want To Talk About It, In Case Talking About It Makes It True

Dear Empty White Space,

I will fill you with up words until you become intriguing to anyone that looks at you. You'll become foreign to your blank white stare and will preach to people about the thoughts and dreams of a bad speller. You'll be grammatically incorrect and often influenced by a drink or by love. I'm going to spoil you, and ruin you, and make you tell it the way I see it, until the day I can't see you anymore.

Today I'm heading to Pickering to film a comedy sketch with Comedy Made Short. It involves blue body paint and a billion-dollar-earning film. Wish me luck ;)

Last night I finally decided that I'm sick of sleeping in a broken bed.

A few days after I moved in, my bed frame decided to snap in half. Conveniently, when we were in the middle of taking a picture, so this is a real shot of my reaction. It's been six months and I recently correlated my sore back to the fact that my bed sags in the middle. Why did it take me this long to realize it? Well if you're an avid reader of my blog, you'll know that I don't spend a lot of time in my bed!! I took apart the bed, I threw the mattress in the hall, (which I got stuck under for a good amount of time, and my roommate was nowhere to be found when I screamed for help) and spent about an hour gluing, cement-putty-ing, and phone-book-propping it until it was good as new. Voila!

Today's Entertainment News

• 
  
  Apple announces their new product, the IPad.. cue maxipad/tampon jokes in 3...2...
  
• Jersey Shore is officially signed on for a second season
  
• This will be the last season of Ugly Betty. Adios, Betty la fea! Gracias, Salma Hayek
  
• Rosie O'Donnell has announced that she's going to be returning to stand-up comedy after 15 years
  
• Alicia Keys is rumored to be engaged to Swizz Beats
  
• Coldplay featured on this weekend's episode of The Simpsons
  
• Couple from The Bachelor last season, Jason and Molly will be getting married in March. ABC will televise the wedding, March 8th
  
• Will Ferrell welcomes his third son, Axel. Man, he comes up with sweet baby names: MAGNUS, MATTIAS, AXEL.
  

It's Like Taking A Guess When The Only Answer Is Yes

I hope that one day you will have the experience of doing something you do not understand for someone you love

In case you missed it yesterday, here's a picture of my Dad from his highschool yearbook!! It never fails for me to go somewhere with a bunch of guys and find that they know my dad, and that he's cooler than me. It's the moustache. Awesome.

You can be a fan of Reinier "Legendary Moustache" Groeneveld on facebook!

My mom is so funny even when she doesn't mean to be. When I first moved to Toronto she said to me
"I don't even miss you--"
Then she realizes how cold that sounds so she quickly backs it up by saying "-I'm just so proud of you"
The other day we talked about me where I'd go next year after I graduate.
"I don't want you to come home--"
Again, cutting her off to point out how sad that sounds "If you told me now that you wanted to come back home, I'd tell you you're crazy. You have so much more going for you out there"

In our last phone conversation my mom said to me:
"When you come back to visit in February, I need you to do something with your stuff..."
My mom is turning my bedroom into an office. This is when it really hit me that I'm really moved out and on my own.

...So if anyone needs bedroom furniture, I'm selling. Give me a call.

Today's Entertainment News

• Remember last week I mentioned how Steve Tyler was seen singing karaoke for his own Aerosmith songs at a bar in California? Apparently he sang his Aerosmith hits acapella over the loudspeaker at a Home Depot this past weekend.
• Justin Timberlake is Harvard's Hasty Pudding man of the year
• Scott Moore, a second pregnant man. He will give birth next month.
• Anne Hathaway will be announcing the Oscar nominees next Tuesday
• Liv Tyler is the new face of G-Star, the dutch denim label.
• How I Met Your Mother has been picked up for its 6th season
• Brad and Angelina are skipping the Oscars this year becaues Angelina is busy filming a movie with Johnny Depp.. hm, not good for the break up rumors
• Paula Abdul is rumored to be on next season of Dancing With The Stars
• James McAvoy and wife pregnant with first child
• Joe Jonas is on American Idol tonight as a guest judge
• Tyra Banks is beginning a plus-sized teen model competition. Applicants must be between the ages of 13 and 19, a size 12-20 and 5′9″ or taller

Inmates from a jail in the Phillipines have learned a dance from Michael Jackson's "This is it" tour. Entertaining:

All I Ever Wanted Was A Brain Full Of Ideas, Dangerous And Wrong.

What is being awake if not interpreting our dreams, or dreaming if not interpreting our wake?

Before I get into it, let me just say how awesome it is to have a friend that pulls an all-nighter with me from across the country, texting me corny jokes to keep me company and keep me entertained while I study :)
"What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? ...Juan on Juan"

A friend and I passed notes back and forth in class, the same way I used to in high school. It started out with extremely open ended questions, and vague nonsense answers. Then it evolved into this deep conversation: What happens after you die, why we dream, heaven and hell, life goals, struggles, the significance of struggles, the conflict of settling...

It was probably one of the best note-passing conversations I've ever had.

"If there was a God, He wouldn't let us suffer the way we do".

Wrong. (In my opinion). We are meant to suffer. If there were no struggles, we wouldn't have the relief and happiness and pride when we overcome them. We wouldn't grow because we wouldn't learn from them. There's no way to escape struggle. Even when you reach the top of that mountain you've been climbing, you'll still want to go higher. That being said, it's very important to look around to enjoy and appreciate the scenery every minute of it.

I wonder how many people actually accomplish their goals and dreams in their lifetime. One of my worst fears is settling. But at the same time, its hard to find the courage to let yourself struggle when there's something good in front of you, and you may be letting good things for your life pass you by. It's a risk- thats why we need to find the courage to keep climbing.

It would be a struggle either way. I would struggle to accomplish my dreams, but I would also struggle to accept that I settled for less. I guess just by saying that, I've spelled it out for myself. Don't always go with the safe option just because it's safe.

Be dangerous.

Wear a helmet or something.

Today's Entertainment News

• P-Diddy spent $360,000 on a car for his 16-year-old kid.. so uh, how much did your first car cost?
• Celine Dion may be pregnant again. She recently had a miscarriage a few months ago while trying for their second child.
• John Travolta piloted a plane last night to Haiti with earthquake relief
• CBS renewed Survivor for two more seasons after "Heroes vs Villains" which begins February 11th.
• Jessica Simpson has started a campaign to send 50,000 pairs of shoes to Haiti. http://www.50000shoes.com/
• Justin Timberlake is beginning an eyewear line. Sunglasses and prescription glasses.
• The cast of Jersey Shore showed up at a bar in Jersey this past weekend that could only hold 800...  2000 people showed up. Chaos ensued
• The cast of Jersey Shore may be in trouble for next season. They're bargaining for a raise in their pay but MTV is hesitant to meet their demands.

IN OTHER NEWS,
My dad-- who is more popular with my age group than I am because of his hockey work-- FINALLY got a cell phone. Finally! What year is it?! It's about time! Welcome to the club, pops.
But seriously, its weird when I go to a party and more people know my dad than they know me.

 you too can be a fan of my dad (Reinier "Legendary Moustache" Groeneveld) on facebook.

I'm Not An Actor That's Forgotten The Lines, I'm An Actor That Never Read The Script

Desperate, I unplugged all the clocks in my house. With time stopped, I hid in today, safely away from your impending visit tomorrow

I've only recently overcome my fear of the dark. And my fear of basements.
But not the fear of being in my basement in the dark. I still run up the stairs as fast as I can when I'm left down there alone.

This is truth.

This is also a metaphor.

Today's Entertainment News

• Avatar tops Titanic this weekend as the biggest international release of all time. It has made over $1.8 billion!!
• Gary Coleman arrested for domestic violence
• Andy Dick arrested on sexual abuse charges
• James Mitchell from "All My Children" has died at 89 years old
• Jean Simmons has died at 80 years old
• Jessica Simpson is releasing a denim jeans line specializing in "making a girl's booty look good"
• Glee star, Jane Lynch engaged to her girlfriend
• Rumors of Joe Jonas starting a solo project, just like his brother Nick. He says he's been writing and recording music for the last little while
• Michael Lynch, an American Idol contestant, was dropped from the competition after his dad spoke to the media and revealed that his son made the top 24. This violated the confidentiality agreement, therefore, he was replaced by a runner-up. Ouch!
• Radiohead raised over $572K for Haiti with a benefit concert in LA last night
• Rumors of John Mayer dating... TAYLOR SWIFT?! This can't be right...

I Don't Care Where You Are, I Don't Care Why You Aren't.

"...he enclosed pieces of string that he used to measure out his body--his head, thigh, forearm, finger, neck, everything. He wanted me to sleep with them under my pillow. He said that when he came back, we would remeasure his body against the string as proof that he hadn't changed"

The things we're used to doing:

We spend 365 days writing 2009 in the right corner of our papers. After January 1st it takes us a few more days to get it right to 2010. In the summers we would drive to my brother's school on the way to work and then remember that he wasn't in the backseat anymore. You set an extra plate at the table, you set the alarm and say goodnight to the newly vacant pillow beside you. You try to get to sleeping and dreaming so you can see them through the night while they're not physically present in your days.

Sometimes as I'm getting into bed I reach for my phone to say goodnight, and then realize I can't do that anymore. Sad isn't even the word to describe moving across the country where you live and find that maybe distance was better for us. No one goes into a relationship hoping that by the end of it, things are so messed up and on such bad terms that there's no chance of friendship being anywhere near salvageable. Some things are better left unsaid. And sometimes it's better to leave things the way they are than making them worse.

You used to talk to someone daily, and now you don't remember how their voice sounds. You see their picture but you don't recognize their face. You don't know them anymore and maybe you never did.

Fiction. Kind of.

Today's Entertainment News

SAG AWARDS! I mentioned in an earlier post that Awards show season is like Christmas season for me. I think the SAG awards are my favorite. I was SO excited that my friend Patrick Gallagher won an award for best ensemble for GLEE!!!! :D
I don't know why it is that I don't cry very often during sad movies, or emotional episodes of Grey's Anatomy... but turn on an awards show and I'm sobbing. It's amazing. I get to watch every actor that I admire so much go up there and see their dreams come true.
I was bawling during Betty White's lifetime achievement award speech.
"I was only 88 last sunday, so I've still got lots of stuff to do!"
I want to be that old and passionate, driven, and still kicking.
I think Drew Barrymore said it best during her acceptance speech:
"I feel really sick and nervous right now. And that is a good thing because when you feel that way I think you are on the right path"

• There's an internet rumor that Johnny Depp is dead... do not fret, Jack Sparrow still lives.
• Hope For Haiti numbers are in, they've raised 58 million to date.
• TODAY ONLY all purchases made on Lady Gaga's website will go towards Haiti
• You may be hearing rumors of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt breaking up, but their reps are saying that this is not true and they are stronger than ever.
• And here's a picture of Chris Brown that maybe didn't make a wise decision getting involved in this photo op. He's with designer John Paul Gaultier, who has makeup on to look like he had been punched in the face to match his boxing-themed collection during Paris' fashion week.
  

To Michael

Michael I would love to say something touching and nice, but I am still pissed off with you for doing such a dumb thing, on purpose or not.

And I am pissed off that you can still make me cry like a child instead of just being here with us.

I know you are that shining star in the dark night that shines so bright, so come back soon you cheeky bastard.

Rest in peace.

In The End, Life Is Surely Only As Good As The Ditches You Wake Up In

"I'm teaching myself to believe in the things I don't understand,
I don't even know if they're true.. but that's what dreamers do"

I'm dealing with some stuff right now that I know is going to be a turning point in my life. I feel better when I look at things that way. To know that in the future, I'll look back on this moment and think "That's when it all turned around." or "That's why I am who I am today". No matter how much things may really really really suck, it's true. I can list at least 3 moments from the last 5 years where this has worked its magic on me.

There is no worse feeling than cold feet. Physically and metaphorically. The best lesson I can relay to you is not to run away, because you always take your heart with you and you’re going to feel it wherever you go. A few months ago I went away for a few days hoping for an escape. I ended up cutting the trip short because it was less comforting to be in a foreign city with no one I knew or at least my own bed to curl up in.

I think my skin has thickened a lot since I moved to Toronto. Exponentially. I used to focus on pleasing others, which hurt me a lot. I wonder who I would be today if I didn't have to put up with the hurt I had earlier in my life. I can honestly say, probably not anything like I am now. I'm in a good place. I like who I am. I love who I am.

I hope you take your own advice and do the things you told me to do. Even the love guru himself needs to stop and listen to the same morals he's been preaching.
"Don't make someone your other half. Don't be 50%. Be 100% with or without them"
In my eyes you're 100%. I hope it doesn't take too long for you to see it too.

Today's Entertainment News

• LAST NIGHT! Did you watch Hope for Haiti or Canada for Haiti?! In less than an hour, Canada raised 2.5 Million. By the end of the night, Canada raised $19 million
• Hope For Haiti: they haven't released exactly how much they raised during the telethon. You can buy the music that was performed on iTunes with all proceeds going to Hope For Haiti
  
  
• The Killers have extended their hiatus and postponed their tour to Asia due to "unforseen circumstances"
• Steven Tyler was seen in a random pub in California doing karaoke to his own song, " Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" I REALLY hope a video of this surfaces
• Jay Leno is booked to be a gust on Oprah on January 28th.

Bye Conan =(

"You Have Such An Intriguing Mind And Interesting Thoughts. I Wonder Where They Come From" She Said, Holding My Brain Up To The Light

I've incorporated a rule into my life that I've followed quite strictly. Its been a rule of balance. Family, Friends, Work. I've followed this rule diligently, always careful to not let one get ahead of the other, and when one seemed to fall behind, sacrifice the time of the other two to make sure the weaker becomes strong again. The results have been astounding. I feel confident calling myself Daughter, Sister, Niece, Cousin, Girlfriend, Best Friend, Leader, Follower, Teacher, Student. I've given myself close to no chance to mess this up. Always staying on track. Focused, determined, assertive, attentive, and very very passionate. Even in the last while, I've learned so much. Knowing when to listen, when to not, when to put my foot down, and when to give a bit more. Anyway, along the way, there was one minor oversight… Me. While I was busy being a daughter to my mother, a friend to my buddies, turning point to my business... I forgot to be me to myself. Don't get me wrong, the system would never work if I didn't have my head on my shoulders. Its much more simple than that... I know how shallow the water is. Why are we still diving then? Can't blame a fool for trying? You sure can. Hold your head up high, it’s the last living sign of any sort of confidence. You don't have to be rich to be my girl, you don't have to be brilliant to pretend to know what you're doing either. Hands up if you can't feel the bottom yet!

There are a million things I should be doing other than what I'm doing right now. A million things that I should be thinking about other than what I'm thinking about right now. But sometimes I feel it's the distractions that are keeping me on track.

I wonder if it's a bad thing that I have no problem picking up and leaving, not worrying about who or what I'm leaving behind.

Sometimes I have these moments where I'm so extremely worried about death. It's so eerie to think that one day you will not be here. How does it end? How does it feel to end? Does anyone actually die in their sleep? What are those last moments like? ...But we try not to think about this very much or we'd drive ourselves crazy with the possibilities and the unknown.

 I had these periods of time where I was so scared that it would happen, and that there were things that I hadn't done and things that I hadn't said. I wrote letters and mailed them off. I can take back the things that I've said but I can't take back the things that I haven't done. I make things right while I still can.

 I've decided how I'm going to go out.... Explosion. Not IN an explosion, I'm just going to explode.

Where do you want to be in 10 years?
Me? ...Everywhere at once.

Today's Entertainment News

• An unauthorized biography written on Oprah is going to be released in April 2010
• Steve Harvey is going to be the new host of Family Feud
• Tonight is the Conan's LAST SHOW :( NBC says he'll be available to start a new TV show in September. On his last show's monologue he apologized to guests he had "scheduled for next week: President Barack Obama, the Pope, the Queen of England, and our good friend Elvis Presley was stopping by because apparently he's alive"
• ALSO tonight is the Hope For Haiti Telethon with pretty much every celebrity you can think of involved. It's going to be a great show, for a great cause. HOWEVER, don't expect to see Kanye West there: "After what he said on the Katrina telethon and the way he behaved at the MTV Video Music Awards, everyone agrees it's just best that he does not participate. Kanye has to make everything about himself. He will do anything to steal the spotlight and, well, this night it's just not about him"
  

I Want To Stay Up All Night Making Stories For You And Forgetting Them

Man, I was thinking about unrequited love. I figure it's best to just walk that shit off. Find someone else to be excited about. It's like if you love ice cream but your ice cream man friend won't give you any. Maybe he's got a good reason. It cuts into profits. Who knows? But he likes you as a friend and wants to hang out anyway. It just drives you crazy to hang out with that dude, even if he's being reasonable from his point of view. So don't hang out with him. What, you ONLY like ice cream? It's ice cream or nothing? Don't be an asshole. Learn to love donuts.

DON'T SETTLE!


Some mornings I wake up, go outside, look around me, and wonder where I am. Going way back I had this fantasy that I would have total amnesia every night, and spend every day reconstructing who I am and what my mission is. I am sure I got the idea from an old childhood source. I guess even without total amnesia I still wake up every morning asking myself what my mission is. Although I have a good plan for the next five years, I still ask myself every day what I'm doing, how I got here and, ultimately, where I'm actually going. I suppose this isn't a bad thing. The day you stop questioning where you are is the day you're completely lost.

She walked away and I stood there for a bit, trying to catch up with my brain. I flipped back through the pad of paper while I thought about what Stephen Hawking would do next...

Today's Entertainment News

• Heidi Montag's new album has sold less than 1000 copies in the first week after being released 
• Charlie Sheen's wife, Brooke Mueller was rushed to intensive care. She has pneumonia in both lungs
• Kellan Lutz is the new Calvin Klein underwear model. Campaign coming out in February
• What do Jon Gosselin, Hulk Hogan, and Ozzy Osbourne have in common? Reality TV shows about their families. David Hassellhoff is next to "join the club" with his new reality show about raising his teenage daughters
• Tom Hanks, Will Ferrell and Neil Young will be on Conan's final show
• Tiger Woods has been spotted at a sex rehab clinic
• Anna Kournikova's mom is arrested for child neglect
• Dennis Hopper has filed for divorce last week at the same time he is battling prostate cancer
• For all HALO players, you can play Halo 3 or ODST until midnight Thursday and for every hundred players, Bungie will donate $1000 up to $77,000 US to the American Red Cross for Haiti. Go to bungie.net for details
• Madonna is trying to get pregnant with her boytoy, Jesus Luz
• SPICE GIRLS THE MUSICAL! FOR REALSIES! Please come to Canada

And here's a video of my friend Tory showing off her talent on my piano, and me explaining my lucky charm:

I Want An Indefinitely Long Blank Book and Forever

When it rains, I think about you. I regret not making room for you. Did I really need two of everything aboard when there is only one you?

I haven't heard my mother's voice for over two weeks. I've missed it.
I've even missed her talking to me about things I don't know anything about, and then her asking all the important motherly questions when I try to end the phone call.
"Have you been eating well? Are you wearing mittens when you go outside? Are you studying lots?"
-Mom, I gotta go-
"Are you getting enough sleep? What time did you go to sleep last night? Why aren't you sleeping more?"
-Mom, I really have to go-
"How's the weather? Are you remembering to turn the lights off when you leave the room? Don't waste electricity. Did you call your grandparents? What did you have for supper last night?"
-Mom!!- ..and then she reels me in for a longer phone conversation when she asks about boys. I loooove when she asks about my love life and I love when she gets protective. She says funny things.
"Maybe he should just date dumb girls" or "don't worry, one day you'll get married"
Okay Mom, thanks.

When I miss her the most is when I'm up at 3 am and I'm hungry. She used to make me scrambled eggs at any time of the night when I was little... but now, even if we were living in the same city, same house... I would be put in my place real fast if I woke her up to make me eggs. She doesn't take shit from anybody, and I love that about her.
I'm pretty sure she knows the things that I've ever tried to hide from her throughout my life... How do parents do that? Is there a manual I'll get to read one day about how to read your kids' minds before they admit to things? That's totally my parents. They would know things that I didn't tell them about. EXCEPT they didn't know that in junior high I used to make up my own permission forms for "after-school field trips" just so that I could go out with friends after school. Clever. I mean... don't repeat this kids.

My dad is the most reliable person I have in my life and he has the most patience I've ever seen. I will always be so grateful for how many family dinners he missed, or early mornings he put up with whenever I'd come along and pull on his hand to come play with me. It was never "No Marley, wait until later" or "let me finish eating". Always there anytime I needed him... EXCEPT for at my parents' wedding when I was screaming throughout the whole ceremony for daddy to take me to see the fishies in the pond. Understandable, and I'm so sorry for the chaos. Not my fault you decided to have me before you got married! ...But I suppose if it wasn't for the surprise pregnancy you wouldn't have gotten back together. Again, you're welcome!

Today's Entertainment News

• GLEE will be doing a CONCERT TOUR in select cities!!
• Tara Reid is engaged
• Omarion has been announced as the newest judge for America’s Best Dance Crew
• Tim Burton is releasing a new movie called "Maleficent" which is a version of Sleeping Beauty, told from the villian's perspective
• Pemberton Festival in BC for 2009 is cancelled. Live Nation says that permits were not approved in time to organize the concert.
• Brad Pitt and Matt Damon will be voices in "Happy Feet 2" which will be released in November of 2011, in 3-D. Elijah Wood and Robin Williams will also be returning to their roles that they voiced for the original "Happy Feet"
• Rumors that Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler are an item again
• Jennifer Lopez and NEIL PATRICK HARRIS are the next guest stars on GLEE
• Jeff Conaway (Grease, Taxi, Celebrity Rehab) fell down the stairs at his home and suffered a brain hemorrhage, broken hip, broken arm, and fractured neck.
• Celine Dion, Jennifer Hudson, Carrie Underwood and Usher are joining together to perform a tribute to Michael Jackson at this year's Grammys.
• Farrah Abraham (From MTV's "Teen Mom" show) was assaulted by her mother who was then arrested. Earlier in the season the show caught footage of an argument the two were having and the mother struck the teen mother. In an interview she said she would never do that and it was so out of character for her. The police reports from this incident say that the mother had Farrah by the throat and hit her again
• There's currently an auction on E-Bay to meet Scarlett Johansson, with the money going to Oxfam's Haiti Earthquake Response Fund
• Robert Pattinson will be hosting the "Hope For Haiti" telethon, organized by George Clooney
• There are pictures floating around on the internet of Nadya Suleman (Octomom) modelling a bikini... I need to pick up some purelle... for my eyes.
• New song by Taylor Swift from the movie "Valentines Day" called "Today was a Fairytale"

Fork In The Road- The Latency

Where would I be without such a lovely group of people crazy enough to enjoy my off-kilter nonsense? Off-kilter nonsense? Who talks like that? I'm so sorry. I'm just sort of giddy because I just DID A MUSIC VIDEO and I love you.

MUSIC VIDEO #2 COMPLETED!!

It was a long subway ride to the set of the music video. It gave me lots of time to think and ask questions. What am I going to be doing? What are they going to make me wear? Who am I going to meet? Why is this place so far? Why didn't I ask a friend to drive me? Why is there a man changing his pants in the middle of the subway station?

The song is called "Fork in the Road" by The Latency. (You may know them from their song "Tonight I Love You"). The music video was about teenage girls making big life choices. Drugs, sex, pregnancy, peer pressure...

The shoot was amazing. It was myself and 2 other girls playing the part of the "Glam Girls". The scene is of us trying to turn another girl into a "glam girl" when some athletic soccer girls walk by and we stare them down because they're soooooo not as cool as us, while the other girl that we're trying to turn into one of us, wants to be one of them.

It was amazing to walk on set to have the lights and cameras and extras waiting for us. We did some takes over and over and over. My feet were so sore, but I was really loving all of it, and the director and everyone else on the crew was so nice. After filming ended we collected our pay and that's that! Watch for the music video to come out sometime in February.
For now, here's a behind the scenes video of the whole hallway. We're at the lockers in front of the camera on the left. I'm the one in yellow.



I also have to use this space to thank my AMAZING manager Joe Kanee for getting me this audition and getting me my first paying acting job! I love you so much, your cheque is in the mail ;)

Another reason as to why he is the best manager/friend in the world:

The Future Is Old News

A rare moment. None of the children were screaming, nothing to rush to, money in the bank. He remembered, for an instant, he loved her

I'M SHOOTING MUSIC VIDEO #2 TODAY!!!! =D

My friend Calvin posted this on his facebook and it really made me think. It's clever and somewhat accurate and the whole time had me yelling "OH GOD PLEASE NO"
The Sad Truth About The Typical American Relationship:


George Clooney's "Hope For Haiti" telethon will air on Friday
There will be lots of celebrity appearances/performances: Bono, Sting, Justin Timberlake, Christina Aguilera and Alicia Keys, just to name a few.

Here's an interesting article about Haiti
"If you believe we are all equal in God's eyes, then what happened to them happened to us too"

"I Don't Think That There Are Any Limits To How Excellent We Could Make Life Seem."

While it is always possible to wake a person who's sleeping, no amount of noise will wake a person who is pretending to be asleep

I'M SHOOTING MUSIC VIDEO #1 TODAY!!!! =D
I have the lead role and the plot of the music video sounds amazing. I'm so excited to do it!

Today also marks a week of Matt Zhou's challenge for me not to say "That's what she said" for a whole week. It wasn't as hard as you'd think it would be....
(That's what she said. I wish she didn't say it, but she did. But she whispered it, so you couldn't really hear it..)

I'm not sure how interesting my posts for the next couple days might be because I have two days in a row of filming for two different music videos and then exams, so here's something that will hopefully tie you over for a few days:

I received a suggestion to do a "video of the week" which I'd love to try out. Maybe not weekly, but whenever I can. Here's a sneak peek of what's in store:


Interesting Celebrity Facts:

• Tommy Lee Jones and Al Gore were freshman roommates at Harvard
• Richard Gere attended University of Massachusetts on a scholarship for gymnastics
• Tom Cruise was enrolled in a seminary to become a priest but dropped out after one year.
• Demi Moore is totally blind in her left eye after having surgery to correct a squint when she was a child.
• Sheryl Crowe's front two teeth are fake. They were knocked out when she tripped on stage early in her career.
• Zsa Zsa Gabor is the great aunt of Paris Hilton
• As a teenager, Matt Damon earned extra cash by being a sidewalk break dancer
• Madonna is related to both Gwen Stefani and Celine Dion.
• Eric Clapton grew up thinking his mother was his sister.
• Same with Jack Nicholson, who found out at age 37 that the woman he thought was his sister, was actually his biological mother.
• Patrick dempsey began his career as a juggling unicycle-riding clown.
• Keira knightley was Queen Amidala's decoy in Star Wars Episode 1, but the film promoted as if Natalie Portman played both roles.
• The mother of the boy Michael Jackson is accused of abusing is named Janet Jackson.
• Justin Timberlake's half eaten french toast sold for over 3000 on ebay
• Robin Williams was voted "least likely to succeed" in highschool
• Harrison Ford has a species of spider named after him
• Elvis Presley got a C in his 8th grade music class
• Brad pitt has been a smoker since sixth grade

Only Someone Who'd Never Been An Animal Would Put Up A Sign Saying Not To Feed Them

Some make their worlds without knowing it. Their universes are just sesame seeds and three-day weekends and dial tones and skinned knees and physics and driftwood and emerald earrings and books dropped in bathtubs and holes in guitars and plastic and empathy and hardwood and heavy water and high black stockings and the history of the Vikings and brass and obsolescence and burnt hair and collapsed souffles and the impossibility of not falling in love in an art museum with the person standing next to you looking at the same painting and all the other things that just happen and are

How much of ourselves do we allow to give away? Who in your life knows you best? Does anyone know you better than you know yourself? ...Is it even fair to say that? How do you know that they know you better than you know yourself- if you don't know yourself?
There is not one person that knows all my secrets, but all of my secrets know at least one person.

Lets not forget how fragile we really are. And how much you really do owe it to yourself to thank god everyday for the strength you’ve been given to get out of bed and say “K... One more try”. Under-estimating yourself is the first step to falling apart. Lose faith in what you are capable of and you’ve lost your grip on reality.

Today's Entertainment News

• Critics choice awards. Exciting as usual. Sandra Bullock and Meryl Streep tied for Best Actress. They both went on stage, Sandra Bullock attacked Meryl Streep yelling "This is BULLSHIT" and then they kissed and made up....

Today Is Friday. After This We Will Have One Less Friday Left. Govern Yourselves Accordingly

Friday comes once a week! I like Fridays. I like the fact that new movies open today. They're a gift, to start the weekend off. Movie opening night is like Christmas Eve, with its early gift because you're too excited to wait. And Friday night is the night before Halloween, too. Devil's Night. Friday Night is for burning things. For throwing yourself full-on into a mailbox, so that it falls over, with you on top of it. That's a crime, but it's a crime to have never tried it, either. Also, Friday night is the best night to read comic books. Other people are out burning the city down and vandalizing federal property, and you are just snuggled right inside with just about the silliest comic book ever. Actually every day is like Friday, I guess! I just like being alive.

It seems weird that I can say I have readers, but with almost 2000 hits in just under 3 weeks of blogging, I guess I have readers. I've been debating how long I can continue with blogging. I've been going so hard at it for the last 3 weeks and it has been amazing for me, but I know that it has to come to an end one day. I don't even know who reads this. So to my readers: don't feel self conscious or creepy by commenting on the blog postings or sending me a message. Same with facebook stuff. I put it out there to be seen. I don't care if we don't talk much, if we're not great friends, if I haven't seen you in years, or maybe I don't even know you. I'd love to hear from you. I got a message yesterday that almost brought me to tears, thanking me for the words because it made this person feel lighter and helped them through some darkness. I can't even tell you how good that made me feel. It really encourages me to continue. To look deeper and write further and blog harder. So I will.

--Other things that I will continue to do:
Write, sing, audition, get over my fear of revolving doors (both physically and metaphorically), spend my nights with a glass of wine, long distance phone calls and Walter Matthau movies.
--Things that I will START to do:
...Sleep?
I write about my lack of sleep enough in my blog that the little ads that come up in the side of my blog are about insomnia and sleep techniques and therapy. Did you know that I make money every time someone clicks on one of those ads? I'm up to 13 dollars! Mama's gonna buy some bliiiiing!!! ...or maybe pay off my credit card bill from all the books and Walter Matthau movies I've been buying. OH and I didn't mention that I bought a piano a few days ago. EEEEEE!! <--- This is me squealing in excitement.

I'm also super excited because this is a busy weekend for me! I have a vocal lesson this afternoon and will be filming TWO different music videos on Sunday and Monday. Wish me luck ;)

I'm now going to go to sleep for a million years and wake up tomorrow morning.

Today's Entertainment News

• Matthew Morrison (Glee) signed a recording deal with Mercury Records and has his first album coming out in the fall 
• Avatar sequel is officially in the works after they just hit $1 billion overall in earnings
• Matt Leblanc (Joey from Friends) has a new TV show coming out soon, called "Episodes" a sitcom which stars him playing himself on a sitcom about himself getting hired to be on a sitcom starring himself.... confused? It looks pretty funny. But have you seen him lately? He's looking a little.. old.
• Katy Perry would like everyone to know that even though she and Russell Brand got engaged so quickly, she is NOT pregnant
• Rue McClanahan (Golden Girls) suffered a stroke yesterday. She is recovering well in her nursing home.
• Claudia Schiffer is pregnant with third child, due in May
• Lady Gaga had to cancel a concert last night. She tweeted that she was dizzy and that paramedics said she had an irregular heartbeat due to dehydration and exhaustion. The stage also had some mechanical problems, so combined with her health issue, Gaga may have been in danger had she performed. She tweeted that she was crying for hours for letting her fans down. A make-up concert has already been scheduled for January 26th

PS, I can't stop laughing. I just read that the "G" in G-string stands for "groin"
It seems less sexy now.

Slow Dreamed Punches

It might seem obvious that we know our dreams from our waking life. If someone asks you how you can be sure, really sure, that you do not every morning fall asleep from the reality of flying through clouds and speaking with animals and cascading through time, to the dream life of going to school and doing the dishes and always seeing the same people again and again, you don't really have to argue with them. Or so it might seem.

I can't sleep, even if I wanted to anyway. Recurring theme of my blog, right? No sleep.

"You should write more about your insomnia. I think its hilarious"-- I'm glad you're amused by it Sean.
I'm not miserable about my lack of sleep, it just happens. Not sleeping gives me lots of time to think and be creative and conjure up stories in my head. It could also be argued that this is what's keeping me up. Vicious cycle.

I don't write about school in my blog very much because.. who cares? Who cares how hard my classes are or how brutal an exam was or how frustrating studying is? No one.

I do want to share this with you though. I had to do a research project on any health-related topic of my choice, so I chose to write on type 1 diabetes. Instead of doing a power point presentation like most of my classmates, I put together this video of my brother who was recently diagnosed with diabetes in March of 2009. It's just under 3 minutes. Don't mind the youtube quality. Enjoy.

Today's Entertainment News

• Michael C Hall (from Dexter) was been diagnosed and is being treated for cancer
• Avril Lavigne and Katy Perry are the new faces of proactiv acne solutions
• Former President Bush and Al Gore have joined forces to overturn California's ban on gay marriage. Trial is currently underway in federal court. 
• Kate Gosselin has a new reality tv show coming to TLC. It will follow her trying out different jobs

Have you been watching American Idol? Did you see "Pants on the ground"? Amazing.

Every Moment Before This One Depends On This One

"Table, ivory, elephant charm, rainbow, onion, hairdo, mollusk, Shabbos, violence, cuticle, melodrama, ditch, honey, doily...None of it moved her. She addressed her world honestly, searching for something deserving of the volumes of love she knew she had within her, but to each she would have to say, I don't love you. Bark-brown fence post: I don't love you. Poem too long: I don't love you. Lunch in a bowl: I don't love you. Physics, the idea of you, the laws of you: I don't love you. Nothing felt like anything more than what it actually was. Everything was just a thing, mired completely in its thingness.

If we were to open a random page in her journal- which she must have kept and kept with her at all times, not fearing that it would be lost, or discovered and read, but that she would one day stumble upon that thing which was finally worth writing about and remembering, only to find that she had no place to write it- we would find some rendering of the following sentiment: I am not in love"
 
-Johnathan Safran Foer

Hands Up If You Can't Feel The Bottom Yet

He offered me a cup of tea. I didn't feel like it but I drank it anyway, to be polite. I asked him did he really love New York, or was he just wearing the shirt. He smiled, like he was nervous. I could tell he didn't understand, which made me feel guilty for speaking English, for some reason.
He said "New York?".
I said "your shirt"
He looked at his shirt. I pointed at the "N" and said "New" and the "Y" and said "York". He looked confused, or embarrassed, or surprised, or maybe even mad. I couldn't tell what he was feeling because I couldn't speak the language of his feelings.
"I not know was New York. In Chinese, ny mean 'you'. I thought was 'I love you'."
It was then that I noticed the "I <3 NY" poster on the wall, and the "I <3 NY" dishtowels, and the "I  <3 NY" lunchbox on the kitchen table. I asked him: "Well then why do you love everybody so much?"

I read your words as they arrived. At 2:24 and 2:40 am. Words are my favorite thing in the world. Yours leave me at a loss for mine.
"I'm going to sleep with roses in my hand tonight"

I haven't been sleeping well lately.. and when I do, I'm having really weird dreams. My roommate being attacked by killer bees, elevator cables snapping, myself and my friends being characters in "The Brave Little Toaster".
I read that it takes the average person 7 minutes to fall asleep. And people tell you to count sheep when you're trying to sleep, so I tried to count 7 minutes. 420 seconds went by. Still awake. Another 420 seconds. Try again? 420 seconds. I'm getting bored. 420 seconds, etc etc. I'm starting to see the sun come up. There's no point in trying to sleep now.
I wish I drank coffee. Coffee stunts your growth and I want to live forever.

Today's Entertainment News

• Nsync's Joey Fatone and his wife welcome a baby girl, Kloey 
• Joe Jonas has officially joined twitter. Teenboppers rejoice.
• Jimmy Kimmel dressed up as Jay Leno last night for his show.. large prosthetic chin and everything! Entertaining!
• Tobey Maguire won't be returning for the upcoming Spiderman movie. Word is that they're going to film a prequel with a completely different cast
• JayZ and Beyonce are the top-earning celeb couple. $122 million
• Heidi Montag (23) is addicted to plastic surgery. She just got her breasts enlarged (again), chin reduced, nose redone... and still wants more. see picture here. She also just released a song called "Eat My Panties off of Me." Classy. ""I brought some treats / I know that you gon love em/Come eat my panties off of me / Do whatever you feel comes naturally."

And here is Nick Jonas singing Taylor Swift's "You Belong With Me", and then one of my faves "Catch me" by Demi Lovato

In a Cranky Mood, I Get Very Picky About Who I Love, But Catch Me In A Happy Mood And It's All Love.

"I want to get to know you through the music you love, the books that have changed you, through your most fleeting and foolish fantasies, and through my own five senses. I want to know the you who has stayed up too late, gotten too drunk, indulged in too many daydreams out loud, and is not worried about how she comes off. When the end comes, I promise I will not care exactly where we all went wrong"

Another restless night. Sleep, why won't you happen?

There is a boy that I carry on a relationship with through lyrics and, if I'm lucky, 12 second videos of him lip synching something. This may sound strange to you, but you have no idea how much I love words.

I don't know how I'm coming across in this blog. I'm not sure how I'm portraying my thoughts on love and marriage and relationships. Something that- although I'm nowhere near approaching- is on my mind quite often. I'm not sure how to portray it because I don't even understand my own take on the subject. Wait, does anyone? I'm fascinated by the process of falling in love, breaking apart, and coming together again. I would love to fall in love. Falling in love has got to be one of the greatest feelings. You have more dreams, you think faster, you smile so hard your cheeks hurt. Your heart beats so fast you can feel it lift the meat off your ribs. You blush and giggle more often. You walk into things.
That being said, heartbreak has always led me to become a better person. Somewhere between the not getting out of bed, crying your eyes out, and figuring out where it all went wrong... You figure yourself out too. I've also had it pounded into my head that a relationship is kryptonite for my dreams and that I've become so self-sufficient and independent in the last few months that I should continue with this process. And then there's the protective people in my life who are thoughtful, caring, and don't want to see me hurt. And by this thought, they don't want to see me with anyone and discourage all connection with the male species. This is why I loved telling Sean that I came back from Christmas engaged. To push his buttons.

I got the lead role in the music video I auditioned for the other day. ...It was the duck hunt comment, wasn't it?
SO EXCITED!!! This video is going to be amazing.

Today's Entertainment News:

• Lady Gaga will be on Oprah this friday!
• One pussycat doll back on the market: Nicole Scherzinger and Lewis Hamilton have broken up 
• Mark Wahlberg welcomes a baby girl
• Avril Lavigne's album, titled "The Pink Crust" was supposed to be released this past November, but is being delayed because of her divorce.
• Megan Fox is the new face for the Armani underwear ads. I can't see anyone being upset about this.
• CUJO! Curtis Joseph announced this morning at the ACC that he's hanging up the goalie pads. Retiring after 18 years in the NHL

I Hope Blizzards Strand You All In Adventure

A POEM ABOUT LOVE AND HATE IN THE INFORMATION AGE
10010111000101101001
10010010101010101001101010
1010010110LOVE101001001
100101011010010010101001
11010010100101010101010
0101100101HATE0101001010
01001010010101001010

THINGS ARE WONDERFUL AND EXCITING AND LIFE IS SO GOOD RIGHT NOW! (Minus the embryology/histology exam I'm about to write)

Yesterday I had my first vocal lesson. My vocal coach is an amazing man who makes me feel confident and I very much look forward to working with him more and more. His studio is on church street, smack dab in the middle of the gaybourhood. (who says 'smack dab'?) I love walking down this street. People are so friendly and men are so good looking... do I even need to tell you where my conflict lies with the last statement? I loved the street moreso yesterday than ever. Winter in January in Toronto, is like Spring in Edmonton. The streets are dry except for the few grey piles of snow in the gutters, scarves are for fashion rather than for warmth, and the icicles and snowpiles on the roof are melting down the walls of buildings... which is romantic I guess. Waterfalls down the sides of coffeeshops.

I DIGRESS... my vocal coach is also RACHEL MCADAM'S vocal coach. This is very exciting for me because I love Rachel McAdams. She is probably today's most successful Canadian actress, and I aspire to be like her. Anyway, my first vocal lesson was great. He told me when I first came in that I have the skull of a soprano and the neck of a mezzo-soprano. Good to know? He is also very animated when he speaks which makes these lessons so fun for me. He told me that when I breathe in and my diaphragm lowers like an elevator, my organs are like "aaahhhhhh!" and move out of the way. This man is amazing.

We worked on finding out where my vocals are since it's been a long time since I've had any vocal training. For anyone that understands musical lingo: the highest I reached was an F6, and the lowest was an F#3. One semitone short of three octaves. Look out, Mariah Carey. (Kidding)

After my vocal lesson I had to rush to an audition. It's for a music video that I fell in love with when I heard of the idea. My audition went well. They liked my headshot and there were a lot of laughs so I hope that means I was entertaining. I always seem to get random questions in auditions. This time, in their last question they asked what my favorite video game is. I said Duck Hunt. You found your girl, right? Perfect.
In my last audition they asked what my guilty pleasure was, to which I replied: "JONAS BROTHERS". I may have lost the part just because of that.. but thats why its called a GUILTY pleasure!!

I had a boyfriend once that asked me if, given the chance, I would leave him for a Jonas Brother. The nice answer in this situation would be "No sweetie of course not." but the realistic answer would be "Uh, yeah? Obviously." Am I right?

In other news, my roommate hid my kazoo from me. Maybe she's mad at me cause I tried to set her up with another random man in the elevator.

It's been a looong few days. Perhaps I will try to be in bed by 8... so I can lay there for hours, pretending to be dreaming. Was it something I said, sleep? Come back to me. Give me another chance. I'll change for you. I'll do better this time.

Today's Entertainment News

• NBC confirmed that the Jay Leno show at 10pm will end on Feb 12th.
• There'e some speculation that Enrique Iglesias and girlfriend Anna Kournikova are expecting..
• Lindsay Lohan was involved in a car accident with some paparazzi.. apparently her driver ran over one?
• Michael Buble is ENGAGED to Luisana Lopilato. They met at one of his concerts and she starred in his music video for "Just Haven't Met You Yet"
• Olivia Newton John is the next star to join the cast of Glee for a guest appearance
• Glee has been renewed for a second season!!
• Star Trek sequel has been announced: June 29, 2012
• Simon Cowell confirms that this will be his last season of Idol so he can focus on bringing X-Factor to America... Just last week, new judge, Ellen DeGeneres said that if Simon goes, she goes. No Simon or Ellen? Nobody wants to watch a show with just Randy Jackson. Sorry Dog.

These are 8 minutes I'll never get back, but Lady Gaga tweeted this herself. It's a video reenactment of "Bad Romance" that these kids obviously put a lot of time and effort into

The More I Found, The Less I Understood.

There are a lot of people with opinions about who and what you are, what you have the right to write or draw, or play, or do, and how you should be allowed to do it. There are a lot of people who think they know you, who think that what they think of you is more important than what you are, who don't care anything at all about you except for what they see on you that pleases, annoys, inspires, angers, offends, worries, excites, or moves them. You do not owe them a thing, and least of all, an explanation.

Today is a very exciting day and I'll tell you why... tomorrow. I didn't sleep last night. I've been relaying the same words over and over in my head, imagining the moment I get to say them. I've been allowing my imagination to run wild and I've been trying to grasp on to moments that I know will inevitably slip away from me with time. I so desperately do not want to lose them. I can only hold on to the things I want to lose. I've recently learned about myself that there are things that I have completely blocked out from my memory. I realize this when my mother brings up something from my past and I have no recollection of it. It sounds familiar, but I can only imagine that it happened in another life- although it did, in fact, happen in this one.

When people get married and their marriage lasts and lasts and lasts, does that mean they just never get to experience heartbreak again? What a sad thought.
EDIT: What I mean by this, is a different kind of heartbreak comes into effect. Something I don't know of yet and the unknown is scary.

I feel something coming on. The same way you feel a cold or flu creeping up on you... something's creepin' up. I don't know what. Something big. I'll let you know when I figure it out.

Today's Entertainment News

• Hasselhoff out, Mandel in: Howie Mandel is set to take over David Hasselhoff's spot on the judging panel for America's Got Talent -wait, isn't Howie Mandel Canadian? This isn't an issue?
• Backstreet boy AJ McLean proposed to his girlfriend on stage during a concert on friday, which also happened to be his 32nd birthday.
• Fergie and Josh renewed their vows in Miami this weekend... Um why? Didn't they just get married like a year ago? It seems like they're trying to show a lot of PDA after the Josh being accused of sleeping with a stripper incident. 
• Wanda Sykes broke her foot during production of her show on thursday night.
• Today: 1/10/10. a binary number. Tomorrow: 1/11/10. Also binary. No more binaries for 100 years

Once In A While, I'm Human.

"You know those software statements? 'By opening this package you agree to abide by etc...' I think you effectively sign a contract like that when you have your first kiss, and it's an agreement renewed and extended with every subsequent kiss: I agree that by participating in this kiss I am willing to have my heart smashed to pieces in return for this one moment of bliss"

I don't often come out and tell the world my deepest personal thoughts- not in a online blog post that is. I'll often hide them behind an obscure and ambiguous set of words and metaphors. I sat down today with a pen and paper and nothing came, so I'll just come out and say it: Today is rough. Today things are out of reach. Today is a strawberries, nutella, wine, and Walter Matthau kind of day.
...Oh who am I kidding? Those things could be involved in any kind of day because they make me happy. The only difference is that today I will be enjoying them without getting out of bed.

Sometimes you just need those days. I'm not ashamed. Just tired.

Today's Entertainment News

• This story is pretty outrageous. Keanu Reeves has been involved in a paternity suit by a woman who claims that her 4 adult children were fathered by him. Although he says he has never met the woman, AND the fact that the DNA tests were negative, she still insists that he is the father. Here are her ridiculous reasons why:
  1. He knows hypnosis, and he uses it to tamper with the test results
  2. He is a master of disguise, and according to her, he used this to pass himself off as her ex husband so they could be together.
  She refuses to accept the possibility that it may have actually been her ex husband that she shared a home and children with. She also refuses to provide birth certificates or allow her ex undergo a DNA test to prove his paternity. ...I understand celebrity crushes, but that’s just unreal.
• Blake Lively has been cast as the female lead in the movie Green Lantern, alongside Ryan Reynolds.
• Keshia cole is pregnant and engaged.
• Halle Berry was in Montreal recently and was whisked through security when she asked if she could skip the long line up. This upset many of the people at the airport who were not rich and famous and did have to wait in line like normal people.
• Artie Lange has been released from the hospital after his suicide attempt. He suffered 9 self inflicted stab wounds.

Alarm Clocks and Coffee

TGIF!! "I hope you have a very nice weekend. Maybe someone will catch your eye and you'll both smile and that'll be that. No complications. No heartbreak. Just that one warm moment! OR Maybe you'll get wicked laid. It's a magical world"

I started this blog 11 days ago and we're at 1000 hits!!! Thank you so much!
It's the weekend. Tiffany and I are going for dinner with Matt Zhou. I have to study. I have to buy new video-editing software. I have to submit myself for more auditions. I have to prepare for my new role coming up very soon! I have to meet with my new vocal coach. I have to mail some letters that have been lying around. I have to avoid the boy at the post office. I have to stop putting myself in awkward situations. I have to remember to use my fake name when I put myself in awkward situations. I have remember to stop putting myself in awkward situations where I have to use my fake name.

When I first moved to Toronto, I changed my phone number to the local area code. I went to Rogers with my dad and Tiffany and spent a few minutes talking to the Rogers employee about phones and things to do in Toronto since I was new to the city. We successfully changed my phone number and we were on our way. A few minutes later I got my first text message on my new phone number... FROM THE ROGERS EMPLOYEE. "I'd love to show you around town since you're new, maybe I can take you out sometime..". I didn't reply because, well, that's weird. And unprofessional for him. He sent a few more in the next few hours saying "I wish I would have asked you in person, but I wasn't sure if I should in front of your dad" and "I hope you don't think this is weird, I just felt a real connection with you".
Thank you sir, but the only connection I'd like is my phone connection. I walked into Rogers today to ask about my data plan. Apparently he's still working there. ...I'll go back another time.

Whoa, this blew my mind. It's called "Killing Bono"

Some are born great. Some achieve greatness.

Some have greatness thrust upon them.

And some have the misfortune

to go to school with Bono

It's a movie based on the autobiography book, also called "Killing Bono" written by Neil McCormick. It's about the McCormick brothers who went to school in Ireland and started a band at the same time as some of their other friends... These others turned out to be the extremely successful U2. The book tells the story of how he's been living in U2's shadows ever since. Robert Sheehan and Ben Barnes (who I've met and is very handsome) will be playing the McCormick brothers. I who wonder could play Bono. Any suggestions?

If you're a big U2 fan, you should definitley check out the book. The title makes it seem dark and maybe psychotic, but its more like a U2 biography, but told from a luckless man on the side, watching everything go right for them as the whole world around him fell apart. Sometimes it is life's losers who have the most interesting tales to tell.

Am I a bad person for liking this new song by Chris Brown? I have to admit, I feel guilty. He says the song isn't about Rihanna, but after you listen to the lyrics and see the music video starring a girl that somewhat resembles her... you be the judge. After their breakup and the restraining order, he posted a video on youtube with a song he wrote for her called "Changed Man".. but I'm so glad that Rihanna has moved on to a much classier, Matt Kemp.

Today's Entertainment News

• Today is Elvis Presley's birthday. He would have been 75 today.
• Camille Guaty is engaged to british songwriter Sy Rhys Kaye
• Taylor Lautner was announced to be Hollywood's highest paid teen actor
• Gerard Butler was cleared of the battery charges he would have faced from getting into a fight with a photographer. If convicted, he would have spent a few months in jail.
• It's about time... Hannah Montana show is coming to an end.
• Sarah Chalke, from scrubs, had a baby boy. Congrats!
• American Idol starts soon, with new judge, Ellen DeGeneres. The show will also feature a set of guest judges, including Victoria Beckham, Joe Jonas, Shania Twain, Avril Lavigne, and Kristin Chenoweth
• Bob Saget will be starting a new TV show called "Bob Saget's Strange Days". It will follow him travelling and exploring unusual cultures. He'll be experiencing mail order brides, a frat rush, Burning Man, and he will also join a survivalist cult preparing for the end of the world.
• Taylor Swift!!!! It never ends! She has been announced as the top-selling digital artist in history! 

Did you see Steve Carell's acceptance speech at the People's Choice Award? It's clever and amusing and full of "Thats what she said"'s...

TIFFANY KINDING

*Man enters elevator, presses floor 32*
"Ah, floor 32 hey? We're floor 25... So uh, this is my roommate. Cute right? And single!"
*Marley presses button for the closest floor and takes the stairs the rest of the way up to the 25th floor. Marley, very amused. Roommate... not impressed.*
"I'm sorry. That was almost worse than the time I ate cereal off the counter."
"...Almost worse than the second time you ate cereal off the counter"

WOW I cannot begin to tell you how exciting it is to hear feedback from everyone reading this blog! And I'm so excited that it's someone's homepage!!! ...okay, so it's my roommate's homepage, but that's still cool!!! By the way, Merry Christmas, fellow Ukranians. Say hi to your Baba for me.

My roommate said to me the other day, "Marley, I wonder how long I'm going to be known as 'your roommate' for."
Well teacup, for all you do for me, I need to protect your identity from stalkers. (Which I've had a few run-ins with... perhaps I'll save that for another day's blog post?)

I don't know what I would do without her. She wakes me up when I sleep in too late, she opens jars for me (which is a real concern), she closes my backpack when I'm walking to school and all my stuff is about to fall out, she reads all the stuff I write... and she's an absolute sweetheart. One day I opened the fridge to find a CD I had been wanting, sitting beside my milk with a note that said:

"To Marlise, Happy Tuesday, Love Teacup"

I'm grateful for not only the things she does for me, but the things she puts up with. My late nights, my early mornings, my "opera singing", my late-night piano playing, dancing to single ladies in our living room, baking so much and making her eat it, my Walter Matthau movie-marathons, the ridiculous amount of disney stuff in our condo... the list goes on.

We spend almost every minute together. We go to and from school together, we go shopping together, we're in all the same classes, we have the same friends, and we live in the same condo. Like a married couple. Thank you TIFFANY KINDING for being the best roommate ever.

Speaking of married, I've been wearing my ring on my left hand. There's a cut on my right-hand ring finger, so I switched it until it heals. I told one of my best friends here in Toronto that I got engaged over the Christmas holidays. He believed me and was not too impressed. Come to think of it, I still haven't told him that I was just joking when I said my name was "Marleissandra" when he asked what "Marley" was short for. Sorry Sean. ...Now you know?

If you needed another reminder, it's the new year. Which means its Award's show season. This is almost as exciting as christmas for me. Did you watch the People's Choice Awards last night? I did. And it wasn't until afterwards that I realized that I missed "Entourage"!!!
I felt scared for Mariah Carey as her husband assisted her up the stairs to receive her award. I hope she wasn't drunk again. But her acceptance speech was (mostly) coherent and shes a champ, as usual. Did you see they awards my mom won? I mean, that Sandra Bullock won? (Again, if you missed that blog- when I was 4 I used to tell people that Sandra Bullock is my mom. I'm not sure why.) Johnny Depp won favorite movie actor and very much deserved it. What a brilliant and talented man.
Glee won for people's choice Favorite New TV Show, and to thank their fans they brought... pizza? I was expecting them to thank their fans with a song in their acceptance speech or something... Dozens of caterers walked out with pizza to dish out to the fans in the People's Choice audience. Very sweet!

Today's Entertainment News

• Lady Gaga to release third album late 2010!!!!
• Upcoming and 20th season of Survivor: Heroes vs Villains- featuring all your favorites from previous seasons. Looks like an amazing season of drama. I may get sucked into this one.
• Heidi Klum plans to launch two new maternity lines.
• Hanes underwear has dropped Charlie Sheen from their ads after his arrest for domestic violence against his wife
• Two Chinese movies based on the Dalai Lama were pulled from the Palm Springs International Film Festival
• Interesting tidbit.. did you know Angelina Jolie has a mail-order degree to be a funeral director?
• New couple alert: Kevin Connolly and Chloe Sevigny
• Marilyn Manson (31) is engaged to Evan Rachel Wood (22). What?! Why?! They had dated before but broke up, and have now been back together for a month. I don't understand.. after their breakup he was quoted in an interview: "I have fantasies every day of smashing her skull in with a sledgehammer." --How... romantic?
• David Hassellhoff left America's Got Talent to pursue his own TV show
• Don't believe the rumor saying that Jay Leno's show was cancelled, NBC says he's still in the top spot and isn't fired... Conan however, may be in trouble. There's talk of Leno taking back his 11:30 timeslot, leaving Conan's timeslot up in the air
• Miley Cyrus and her boyfriend move in together. He's 19, she's 17. They've been dating for like a month! What the deuce! Also, the tattoo you may have seen on her ribs that says "Just Breathe"... there's some speculation that it was a tattoo that used to say her ex boyfriend's name "Justin" but was recently changed after their breakup.

Running in Your Dreams, Waking Up Tired.

"You got cuter over the holidays, I think it's your haircut. Yep, its the bangs. They make me listen more to what you're saying. Not that I didn't listen before-- hey, are you writing that down? Stop writing down everything I say. Well you better quote that. I want to see a bibliography."
--Raffoul, Catherine. "Conversation with Catherine." Regency Computer Lab, Toronto. 5 Jan. 2010. Conversation

Now that I'm back in Toronto after a few weeks in Edmonton, I'm starting to really notice the differences between the two cities. Of course Toronto is busier and- I gotta say- more exciting. There's always something going on. There are parades and protests in front of my condo almost every weekend, and its very multicultural. I've learned a lot in the first few months of living here, and its been amazing. It's cool to tell my friends at home in Edmonton about all the new things I'm experiencing here that you'd never even know about until you step away from the bubble you call home and see it for yourself.

Things in Toronto that are not in Edmonton (other than me)
1. Hot dog vendors on every corner. We call it "street meat" and its DELICIOUS
2. Diagonal Crosswalks. This one blew my mind. All traffic stops and everyone can cross the intersection whatever way they want, even right through the intersection.
3. Birds aren't scared of you here. They don't fly away from you when you get too close, and apparently, pigeons have the right-of-way even more than pedestrians do. Pigeons waking in front of you on the sidewalk are just like those annoying slow-walkers in front of you in the hallway at school. You have to suck it up and slowly walk behind them or get around them. OR You could kick them (the birds, not the slow people in the hallway) but you don't know how they'll react, AND if you have a heart- which I hope you do- you'll feel pretty guilty.
4. In Edmonton, waving down a cab is pretty ridiculous. Who does that? In Toronto, there's cabs everywhere. No need to call for one.
5. Their transit system is AMAZING. I've never waited more than 5 minutes for the subway/streetcar. Also, they don't have busses, they have "streetcars".
6. Last, and DEFINITELY LEAST. I will never get used to it... Milk in BAGS. If you buy any more than 2L of milk at a time, it is sold in bags. For the first few months I used to take my roommate to Shoppers with me and load up on 2L cartons. But eventually that got expensive and ridiculous and I had to convert. I still hate it, but buying two 4L bags is much easier than buying 3-4 2L cartons... yeah, I drink a lot of milk. My roommate recently tried to put me through an intervention. Nuh uh girlfriend.

On another note, my 13 year old brother is learning "Thats what she said" jokes. At what age is it appropriate to hear this from a young man?

Justin Bieber. Sweet Jesus that is one lucky kid. He made it big after being discovered by his Youtube videos of him singing and had Justin Timberlake and Usher fighting over him for a record deal in the same week. Now he's travelling the world with his mom at 15, has screaming teenage girls everywhere he goes, hanging out with celebrities, and on top of all this, he just performed for President Obama. I love that he's Canadian, so I support him. HOWEVER, Have you seen him in an interview? He can't go a few words without shaking his head to get the hair out of his eyes. Dude, get a haircut. OR perhaps its a cover up for a twitch. Hmmmm.
Did you know that people that are not fans of Justin Bieber are called "Non-Beliebers"? Haaaa!


Today's Entertainment News

• Marc Jacobs got married
• The rumors are true, Katy Perry and Russell Brand are ENGAGED!! ...they've been dating for three months.
• Jason Alexander (George from Seinfeld) is the new spokesperson for JENNY CRAIG
• Ex-spokesperson for Jenny Craig, Kirstie Alley, has started a new fitness website that plays off of Twitter. It's called Phitter and is used to encourage others to get fit. 140 characters at a time.
  "Phitter is a phitness phocused community and a gift from Kirstie to encourage talk or 'Phits' about health, diet & exercise, while making new Phriends in the Phitter-mmunity and having Phabulous Phun... Phew!"
• Kate Gosselin has hair extensions. Woopdeedoo? See picture here.
• Carrie Underwood is to make an appearance on "How I met your mother" as Ted's new love interest
• Miley Cyrus on the cover of Bazaar Magazine (see here) looking very good. I'm thinking she got her teeth done..?
• Mariah Carey accepts another award for her performance in Precious... drunk. You can probably youtube the video of her slurred acceptance speech.
• She's everywhere... now Lady Gaga is going to be made into a comic book character in the Fame comic book series. This series will also feature Robert Pattinson, Taylor Swift, 50 Cent, and David Beckham. (New Justice League?). The Lady Gaga issue hits the stands on May 5th.
• Lady Gaga has also teamed up with Polaroid for their new line of camera products
• Whatchu talkin bout willis? Gary Coleman is in the hospital... exact reasons were not released, but he is still undergoing tests.
• GreenDay inspired musical "American Idiot" hits broadway in April in New York City

EDIT: I have some spoiler information about the Bachelor Scandal. I've got details and names. HOWEVER, my roommate just pummeled me to the ground and threatened me when I was about to tell her and she said I cannot release this information. So if you'd like to know, message me or google it. xo.