Not All Of These Memories Are Great, But They're Mine

I thought about my life. About my life, the embarrassments, the little coincidences, the shadows of alarm clocks on bedside tables...
"You've lost everything" she said, as if we were sharing a secret, "I can see". If I'd been someone else in a different world, I'd've done something different. But I was myself and the world was the world, so I was silent.


Modern medicine will not do. It doesn't heal the way ink bleeding from a pen would. I've also been so distracted and disoriented that I've completely forgotten about "mind over matter". With this, and the fact that it took a whole month and three doctors to diagnose my respiratory infection... I could have been healed and healthy by now. But I smile wondering if it is some special form of empathy. I skipped Christmas dinner and spent it cuddling with my grandmother in her hospital bed, both of us coughing and having heart palpitations. Both for different reasons. She told me stories of the "old days" and the secret to a successful marriage. And her bread recipe.

This city is so full of reminders, memories that lurk and mug me. December 27, 2011 changed my life. I will work hard to remember exactly who I was on that day. How inspired I felt, and how I am closer than ever to KG. I admit I struggled. I couldn't ignore the one-less place setting this year. The bench at the end of the table we used to share. It was tight but I never needed space between us. The lack of words and photographs, in fear of bringing sadness to the room. We all felt it, tears on the verge of spilling down our faces while taking notice of the empty space. Our thoughts thinking themselves so loudly, yet none of us say a thing. 


When we were kids we had our own special place at the farm: the wishing rock. To us it was really a boulder. Maybe it wasn't that big, but everything seems so huge when you're so little. We climbed up on that rock and in our little sundresses, closed our little eyes, held our little hands together and wished with all our might. 

I'd take back all those wishes.

Merry Christmas Kylen Groeneveld. Two months without you. Here's to beauty and strength. Run the land, darling girl. Love you forever.

We laughed and laughed, together and separately, out loud and silently. We were determined to ignore whatever needed to be ignored. To build a new world from nothing if nothing in our world could be salvaged. It was one of the best days of my life. A day during which I lived my life and didn't think about my life at all.

The Only Remedy For Love Is To Love More

“So yes, I laughed. I laughed at the pain and the futility and the frustration and the heartache to keep it separate from me. And while it may seem like insanity to you, it is the thing that prevents it, for me.”


I believe in following your heart no matter where it leads you. It knows what you don’t ever want to admit and there will be times that every fiber of your being will disagree.  Those fibers will be wrong and they will steal the perfect and untarnished beauty of making perfect choices that just might be perfect risks and catastrophic failures. That being comfortable in the skin you’ve worn since the first moment you shouted your life started is the only way to make it through all we’re supposed to make it through. That all we really are is what we imagine we are, be it brave be it bold be it covered in the ash of burned dreams or watered down and drowned with the waves of uncertainty and fear, we are what we imagine so we need to let those imaginations loose to create the very best version of ourselves.


I believe in long letters and handwritten notes no matter how sloppy the handwriting may be, how wrinkled the paper and how much ink ends up on the sides of your palm that rests atop it. Words are some of the most valuable currency and should be spent wisely and on what matters the most to our silly lives. The construction of a sentence can be done by anyone anywhere for any reason but the construction of an emotion with the very same consonants and vowels requires the blood of the writer, not the ink of the pen, to stain the pages in a way that will move the eyes that read it.


I believe in myself and that I hold the dust of stars in the veins that carry the blood that carries the strength to pull me out of bed each morning.  That I am capable of all things but most of all that I have an infinite capacity for love and for giving that love away freely, no matter how it is returned or how little I receive back. That I give to give and getting will always be a bonus, a lottery I never intended on winning.  That I am capable of enduring such great pain but am also capable of embracing such haunting joy. I believe that I will never stop and never give up and never let go and never forget how to find the miracle in all this mundane and the eye of the storm and the silver in the lining and the half full in the cup no matter how shattered that cup might be, no matter how many pieces it rests as on the floor and how many cuts it caused on my hands that held it.

-tylerknott

Tonight I Can Write The Saddest Lines

“But listen to me. For one moment quit being sad. Hear blessings dropping their blossoms around you.”

Sometimes when I cannot sleep, I listen to Andy Garcia reading poetry by Pablo Neruda on repeat. I drift off to the dreamlodge and wake up hours later; Andy Garcia still reading. I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

I ask myself daily, where do we go from here? Perhaps it's not wrong to have asked myself this daily even before the tragedy. Always wondering what the next step is. What's the next big move? If I am at A, where is B? And what is the exact distance? Andy Garcia still reciting Neruda's lines while I'm in a mid-sleep haze. How could one not have loved her great still eyes

Sometimes not being okay is okay. We set expectations and we break our own hearts. I am guilty of this. To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her. I am content. I dream and I fantasize and I pray. There are things I want, but not things that I need. I am content with waiting as long as completely necessary, I am content with working as hard as humanly possible

Kylen had given me a collection of Pablo Neruda's poems. One of my last gifts from her. A framed painting she made, Neruda's poems, and a book of short stories titled "No One Belongs Here More Than You". You can imagine the ache felt deep in my core when I found that book beside my bed the day after she left us. The words in the title were the words I repeated in my mind for days. What does it matter that my love could not keep her?

Life really blindsides you, doesn't it? With the intent to completely shatter and break you. To see if you have the strength to put yourself back together. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. What a cycle: on top of the world one day and not wanting to get out of bed the next.

Months ago I wrote a piece about the stories my body parts will tell long after I've expired. The scars and marks and transformations my body experienced over the years would lead one to predict the life I lived. Oh how little I knew about losing pieces of my heart. Not just observing the cracks in this thing between my lungs, but the pieces broken off and forever gone. Oh how little I knew.

I havent yet caught up with my life. It moves much faster than I do these days. My habits are starting to catch up with me though, as I found myself this morning in coughing fits, unable to get out of bed. Leaving raspy voicemail messages for the people I should have seen today.

There are many things to be grateful for. My colleagues who feel my forehead and endearingly tell me to get the hell out of the office when I do stroll into work because staying home is too boring. Friends that bring me soup. Friends that bring me frozen soup for when they're unavailable to bring more the next day. Waking up to messages expressing hope that I'm sleeping and not scared. 

My biggest challenge lately: Sleeping. Not being Scared.

Love is so short, forgetting is so long

We'll Always Have The Obvious

It reminds us who and where we are.
It lives like a heart shape, like a jar that we hand to others and ask:
Can you open this for me?
We always get the same answer: "not without breaking it"
More often than sometimes I say: "go for it"

It's When You Cry Just A Little, But You Laugh In The Middle That You've Made It.

One is never intrinsically strong, just by nature. You must have been through something. Strength has to be acquired. You don’t know how you acquire it. Suddenly you’re standing there and things that are deadly to others are no longer a danger to you.

Laughing with tears in my eyes. My key to the universe.

The Longing We Wrap Ourselves In

It's been a whole month, I can't even go minutes without thinking of you. I relive that day in my mind and it never gets easier. Absolute horror. The tearful message on the other end of the phone, immediate loss of breath, and indescribable pain in my heart. A million questions but all I could scream was one word. Where do we put the longing and how do we build a place inside ourselves strong enough to endure the ache? I love you more than you know, KG







How do we stop counting the days, when it’s the hours that
taunt us and the fact will always remain that it’s every single
minute that you are not near me that attach to me like thousands
of anchors and pull me deeper beneath the surface.  I am drowning
and choking and gasping for breath but it is not the water that
I am drowning in, there are no swallowed fish in these lungs and I cannot
taste the sea.  Drowning not in water but in the sheer volume
of tears that have gone unwiped by fingers taking leave of my
hand they were holding.  Choking not on a lack of air but on the lack
of you and the number of moments left unshared between us.  On the
life that flows beyond us endlessly while we sit on the shore
and wait to be ready to dip our toes in, ready to jump with
our clothes on.  


Is this what you wished for on all of the candles on all of the
birthday cakes from when you were tiny?  Did you watch the smoke
rise to the ceiling and believe with all your little heart that your
wish rose with it, disappearing into everywhere the instant it was
received by whomever would do the receiving.  I want to somehow
tell you that I can feel my childhood inside me, screaming and 
slapping the walls of my chest and when those tiny hands are covered
in the red of this aching and they match the color of those tiny knees
and the weight of it all crumples her tiny body to the floor of my 
insides what then do I say?  Do I apologize and re-light every candle
ever blown out in some weak and hollow attempt to repent for the
madness we will one day face, the longing we will wrap ourselves in?

My Thoughts Will Echo Your Name Until I See You Again

How will I walk steady if the ground should come alive?
And tell me how will I be ready for the world another time?


So am I another slave now to the screamin' in my head?
Or is it a little strange now how the moment's gone and fled?
Brother I gotta tell you that something here is wrong
Oh brother I gotta tell you... This place ain't what I thought

There is a funny thing about travel that inspires me to write. Did you know when you travel on bereavement this is stated somewhere on your plane ticket? I imagine it pops up on the computer screen like a notification. "This person is fragile, handle with care". They treat you differently. Not in a bad way. They just know what you're going through, and that if you start crying while eating their pretzels, they shouldn't take it personally. It's not you, WestJet, it's me.

The moment the plane touched down in Edmonton, it hit me like a bag of bricks. The closer we got to the ground, the harder it was to catch my breath.

I did everything I had to do. I did everything I could to try to find her, and at the same time, try to accept that I now live in a world where she doesn't. 


They told me it would hit me when I least expect it. I don't like this feeling. Waiting to break, so I can start to put the pieces back together. Knowing this despair is playing hide and seek on me, and will pop out from behind the wall it was sheltered by, startling me into a feeling I cannot even begin to imagine. 


On the car ride to the airport, on my way back to Toronto, the empty space in my chest became more apparent. I don't know how describe this. There's a new hole in my heart, yet, my chest feels tight. The turbulence during our descent into the city was no different than what I had been experiencing in my mind. Breathing recycled air, confined to a small space, surrounded by strangers who are no comfort to me. Shaking. Hoping I'll land okay.


I used to think that going to a new place was a wonderful way to escape whatever you needed to escape. Years ago I learned the hard way that this isn't so. You take your heart with you wherever you go-- whether it's whole or in pieces. Placing yourself in a new environment does not magically make you forget whatever you need to forget.


I am being very honest. I don't know if I know how to be anything else. I can be guarded. I can also spill my heart out to anyone that will listen. I go into hiding. I also make myself overly available to those who need me. I hurt, and all I can do is breathe through this pain and loss. Walk it off. I also love who I am and think this life is the most beautiful gift.


I am soaring above the clouds sitting in the window seat and I wonder if this makes me closer to her. I wonder if the warmth on my shoulder during the day and if the tingling running through my hair at night is her. I wonder if I will ever be able to see highways and forests the same way again.


There is knowledge in sadness and I am discovering more of it every day. I take comfort in the amazing people reaching out to me. I am alone with my thoughts at night and have yet to sleep without the lights on. I stare at the flowers that have been gifted to me and see it as another life lesson to appreciate the beauty in everything and everyone before it wilts away.

You Are A Child Of The Universe No Less Than The Trees And The Stars; You Have A Right To Be Here.

Today is my birthday. There's going to be one more ring on my trunk when they chop me down.

“And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about."

The best gifts I received were the amazing words and letters from friends.

Happy birthday. I know you're in a rough time but I want to reflect on the positive. You inspire me. Your motivation and ability to produce in all areas you focus on is flabbergasting in its impressiveness. You're probably the most beautiful girl I've ever had the chance to actually know. Your wit is so sharp and I'm so glad I'm smart enough to pick up on the hilarious jokes you will drop. I envy your emotional strength. I rely on music to deal, but you know not only how to deal but how to help others. You're going to be an amazing mom, the kind I pray ill be able to have as the mother of my kids. I'm so glad we've had another year with you, and I so look forward to all the ways you'll surprise me in the years to come. XO, a kiss and a hug, and a happy birthday to someone extra special in my life. You're the best

Happy birthday Marley. I hope our paths cross again sometime soon. You're in my heart in this time. I think you have an incredible capacity to love and such a passion for life. Kylen couldn't have possibly known a better friend to grow up with. May this year carry you gently deeper into the beauty of what your soul is becoming. May you one day look behind you and see nothing but beauty. May the world feed honey to your heart and care for you in the ways you've cared for others. May it make you cups of tea, read you sad and beautiful stories that echo inside you, lift the covers of it's bed, invite you in and hold you when you need to fall apart


It's been a wild year, the last few weeks especially. I keep thinking of that quote: "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans". We really have no idea what's ahead of us, but today has left me strangely inspired. ““Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant, filled with odd waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don’t always like.”

The Opposite Of Disappearing

This Nicole Krauss quote slapped me square in the face:

"He learned to live with the truth. Not to accept it, but to live with it. It was like living with an elephant. His room was tiny, and every morning he had to squeeze around the truth just to get to the bathroom. To reach the armoire to get a pair of underpants he had to crawl under the truth, praying it wouldn't choose that moment to sit on his face. At night, when he closed his eyes, he felt it looming above him"

Bright Side of A Bad Day

October 2011 was life-changing. Too much happened within that one month.
I just finished writing my speech for Kylen's funeral. I'm happy with it. I mean, I cry every time I read it... but I wrote what I needed to say and I'm honored to have the opportunity to share it


“Some days you must learn a great deal. But you should also have days when you allow what is already in you to swell up and touch everything. If you never let that happen, then you just accumulate facts, and they begin to rattle around inside of you.” -E.L Konigsburg

“I beg you…to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Do not search for the answers, which could not be given you now, Because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” - Rainer Maria Milke

"Some Days, I Have No Kind Words For The Universe."

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

My favorite childhood picture of me and Kylen

"I am heartbroken. May you find the peace under the earth that you couldn't find above it.
I loved you more deeply than our time together showed.
May you be held by the universe tonight." -TH

Rest in peace my beautiful Angel, I will never be able to understand or accept why you're not here with us
and why I cannot bring you back. My world is not a better place without you in it.

Torn, then gutted. Twice. And I managed to survive both times. Life is beautiful.

“In periods of rapid personal change, we pass through life as though we are spellcast. We speak in sentences that end before finishing. We sleep heavily because we need to ask so many questions as we dream alone. We bump into others and feel bashful at recognizing souls so similar to ourselves.”

- Douglas Coupland

When There Is Nothing Left To Burn You Must Set Yourself On Fire.

"I want to come from love. And I want to do it all the time. I can’t expect it to always look the same though. I remember a friend saying that God loved his daughter enough to say no – something he had a hard time with. Sometimes love says, “no this doesn’t work for me.” Sometimes love walks away, because staying would conflict with loving and being true to who we are. And, staying would make it very difficult to come from love”

Have You Ever Noticed Yourself Giving Your Best To The People Who Will Not Receive It?

And you love like your hand is on the horn, baby. I adore you but there's a hole in the cup that should hold your love

This was the world in which she grew and he aged. They made for themselves a sanctuary, a habitat completely unlike the rest of the world. No hateful words were ever spoken, and no hands raised. More than that, no angry words were ever spoken, and nothing was denied. But more than that, no unloving words were ever spoken, and everything was held up as another small piece of proof that it can be this way, it doesn’t have to be that way; if there is no love in the world, we will make a new world, and we will give it heavy walls, and we will furnish it with soft red interiors, from the inside out, and give it a knocker that resonates like a diamond falling to a jeweler’s felt so that we should never hear it. Love me, because love doesn’t exist, and I have tried everything that does.

Try to forget that I might be leaving tomorrow. Try to return the courage you had to borrow.
Nightingale, sing us a song to remind us we tried. It’s hard to reach out when both of your hands been tied

Good Things Don`t End Unless They End Badly

Because why would I want a relationship that doesn’t bleed me dry? Then again, why would I want a relationship that bleeds me dry? My heart is a tangled mess of criss-crossed red and green wires; contradiction after contradiction. Do I cut the red one, or the green one? I want a relationship that is emotionally intense, yet I want a relationship that is easy-going and relaxed. I want a person that loves me more, yet based on past experience I would never get into a relationship where I love that person less. I mean, I guess a lot of us settle for the safe kind of love, where you know you will have someone’s arms to return to at the end of the day - where you know your heart is safe. But deep down inside, I think all of us crave for the type of love that tears us apart and messes with our mind. No, I am not talking about the emotionally destructive sort of relationships. What I mean is - I think all of us secretly want to push our limits, test our boundaries and lose ourselves in the intensity and passion of here and now. We want to be kept on the edge. (yet we want to feel safe, secure in the knowledge that we will not spend the rest of our lives lonely and broken-hearted.) It is so hard to strike a balance.

The 'Good' In Goodbye

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't always promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and you learn with every good-bye you learn

The Longing That Exists Between Species

Once up on a time, a prince went on a quest to find the key to the castle. If he could find it, he'd become king, marry the princess he loved, and live happily ever after. So he sought high and low throughout the kingdom. He looked for large keys, small keys, brass keys, and golden keys, and none of them fit. He finally decided to win the heart of the princess anyway, so he gifted her with a locket that belonged to his mother. The princess instantly recognized that the locket was shaped like a key, and she opened the door. 

Trust someone you love for an answer you need.

Do you aim to build your kingdom and castle with your queen? Or build your kingdom before finding a queen? ...I think that says a lot about a person.

Woman Open the Door, Don't Let It Sting, I Wanna Breathe That Fire Again

Life is just one big game of bobbing for apples.

If I am asked by the occasional person of why I stopped writing, either I say that what I wrote wasn't any good, perhaps it was even terrible, or that it has the potential for perfection and this finally silenced me. Or sometimes I say I felt trapped in what I tried to write- which is like saying one feels trapped in the universe, or trapped by the inevitability of death, but why I truly stopped writing is not any of these, not nearly, not exactly. The truth is that if I could explain why I stopped writing then I may be able to write again.

The Things I Want To Say Get Stuck In My Mouth

You don't even sing my songs, you just hum along



When it's too good to be true, it probably is. But when it's reasonable and you want it more than anything, anxiety fills your lungs, your throat, your tear ducts, and most specifically, your mind. One organ at a time my body will fail me.

Sometimes in the middle of the night when I cannot sleep because of chaos running laps between my ears, I email long paragraphs to my mother and I reminisce about my life. Things from my life that I love, things that I miss, things that hurt and still hurt and change how I am today. I worry when something I want is dangled in front of me, in fear that it might be taken or turned on me, as similar situations have in the past. I believe very much in the body manifesting disease in areas where you hold emotions, so I try to rid my body of the negatives ones as soon as possible, mostly, through conversation with my mother.

My heart is weak and unreliable. When I go it will be my heart. I try to burden it as little as possible. If something is going to have impact I direct it elsewhere. My gut for example, or my lungs, which might seize up for a moment but have never yet failed to take another breath.


The pancreas I reserve for being struck by all that's been lost. It's true that there's so much, and the organ is so small. You would be surprised by how much it can take, all I feel is a quick sharp pain and then it's over.


Sometimes I imagine my own autopsy. Disappointment in myself: right kidney. Disappointment of others left in me: left kidney. Personal failures: kishkes. It's just that I notice certain patterns. When the clocks are turned back and the dark falls before I'm ready, this, for reasons I can't explain, I feel in my wrists. And when I wake up and my fingers are stiff, almost certainly I was dreaming of my childhood.


Yesterday I saw a man kick a dog and I felt it behind my eyes. I don't know what to call this, a place before tears. The pain of forgetting: spine. The pain of remembering: spine.


Loneliness: there's no organ that can take it all.

And She Would Say: "Today You Believe In God?", And He Would Say: "Today I Believe In Love"

What is being awake if not interpreting our dreams, or dreaming if not interpreting our wake?

Sometimes when I'm having a bad dream, I realize that it's just a dream and I immediately wake up.

My reality and my dreams are starting to have strange coincidences. Everyone has their own beliefs, and I myself am very open minded to this. If I do hold some power to analyze dreams I would very much welcome it. I was interested in dream interpretation from a very young age, and now more than ever, my dreams are getting bolder, stronger, and linger in my mind for days.

It is very rare that I wake up in the morning and forget my dreams. I've made a habit in the last few weeks to write them down in a notebook beside my bed, and then interpret them on the other side of the paper. I'm worried about getting to the point where I may fear my dreams.

A few months ago, I had a very vivid dream about my brother in which he fell, resulting in a head injury. I was so shaken by this that I wanted to call my parents-- who were on vacation at the time with my brother-- and tell them to cancel all of the activities they had planned. I was scared something might happen. After calming down I realized the likelihood of them cancelling their fun plans just because I had a bad dream were slim. A few days later my brother experienced a life-threatening complication with his diabetes in the middle of the night. It gives me chills to this day to think, "what if" no one had woken up to intercept.

A few days ago I had a dream about giving CPR. I remember feeling nervous. I had this "life-or-death" pressure on my shoulders and I felt desperate. I needed that heart to start beating. Today I found out that my grandmother's heart stopped. She's in the hospital and recovering, and so am I, from this new pain in my heart. Maybe the heart palpitations I've had lately were warning. Perking my heart up to let it know it's going to need to be strong. After hanging up the phone I got down on my knees and prayed through sobbing and tears. Never have I felt so helpless or prayed so hard. I never know what to say. Am I supposed to know how to say something that will pour this all out of me and fill me with peace?

Heavy boots today.

Nothing Lasts Forever, No Matter How It Feels Today

"love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give -- which is everything."

I've read quotes and poems and novels and short stories that all read something along the same lines of "don't make someone your everything, because if you lose them you have nothing". It's so easy to seek happiness in others when the initial meeting gives you butterflies and warmth, and of course we're human beings and we're selfish and needy and we want that feeling to last and last forever. But keep in mind, it won't. After a certain period of time it requires effort. I had a hard time understanding what people meant when they said "relationships take work". It was always an effort I wanted to make.

I was recently given the challenge to date myself. For the month of May -- or as he called it, the "Month of Marley", I'm going to take myself out on dates twice a week. Non-negotiable, quality time with myself. I'm looking forward to it.

Will I be nervous on the first date? Will I encounter awkward silences followed by nervous laughs? Perhaps I'll buy myself flowers. Is that too tacky? Do I offer to pay the bill? (obviously). How many dates till we get intimate?

These dates are going to be special. I spend quality time with myself every day, but these dates will be different. I'm going to do things for myself and take myself out with the intention of getting to know myself better and finding what truly makes me happy. I'm going to take myself out to special places, and it's going to be wonderful.

Everything that bespeaks a fabulous attitude comes from a sense of self-worth and self-admiration. It is the gravitational pull that moves interesting and exciting people into your life. Fabulous lovers are not born, they’re made. A fabulous lover must have a love of life, a joie de vivre, an exuberance, passion and intensity that sends rockets into the air. They care about everything because everything matters. Forget “whatever.” If your lover is still using that word, give him a heads up: “We’re not in Kansas anymore!”

Fabulous lovers are happy people. The reason they’re happy is because they are listening to the best radio station in the world (no, not Pandora). They’re listening to an endless loop of self-affirming commentary that makes them feel as though they can take on the world.

Change the inner radio and outer broadcast to Rapport Vs. Report. This means listening with a deep need to understand, to offer solace, compassion and warmth, rather than just hearing the news of the day. Try to communicate in a way that encourages rapport between yours and your lover’s dreams and aspirations.

Women on the fence: On being a fabulous lover.

Exactly what I needed to read today.

I Don't Need A Telescope To See That There's Hope. And That Makes Me Feel Brave

Sometimes I believe I am brave. I believe that what I want and what I deserve will align and I believe that the power of the universe will send me just what I need just when I need it- whether it is strength or a person or just a meaningful line in a song or a book.

I've been thinking long and hard lately about appreciation and gratefulness. I have no conclusions to report, just an announcement that I have been thinking. Sometimes I think so much I get dizzy. Sometimes I think so much that I experience this strange chemical reaction of a saline liquid from my brain leaking through my eyes. Its almost betraying how much power your mind has over the rest of your body. Tears, appetite, energy.

While on that topic, I have also been thinking about needing vs wanting. Again, no conclusions to report.

Maybe in the future they will make medication for a quick fix of emotions you don't want to feel. Or better yet, plug yourself in and download an update to make yourself feel better. Heartbroken? Anxiety? That's a nasty bug. This may take a few minutes, but after a quick installation and reboot you'll be good as new.

But where's the fun in that?

Extremely Loud.

I went to a tattoo parlor and had YES written onto the palm of my left hand, and NO onto my right palm, what can I say, it hasn't made my life wonderful, its made life possible, when I rub my hands against each other in the middle of winter I am warming myself with the friction of YES and NO, when I clap my hands I am showing my appreciation through the uniting and parting of YES and NO, I signify "book" by peeling open my hands, every book, for me, is the balance of YES and NO, even this one, my last one, especially this one. Does it break my heart, of course, every moment of every day, into more pieces than my heart was made of, I never thought of myself as quiet, much less silent, I never thought about things at all, everything changed, the distance that wedged itself between me and my happiness wasn't the world, it wasn't the bombs and burning buildings, it was me, my thinking, the cancer of never letting go, is ignorance bliss, I don't know, but it's so painful to think, and tell me, what did thinking ever do for me, to what great place did thinking ever bring me? I think and think and think, I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it

Wishes That You Knew When I Said Two Sugars, I Actually Meant Three.

I am inspired to write for all the wrong reasons. One should probably be taken more seriously when they are writing more and dreaming less.

We always wonder if the grass is greener on the other side. We can choose to pursue other lawns, or continue fertilizing our own, until we're so full of shit and it's stuck to our shoes.

“I'd ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms "visiting hours" don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself”

Optimism

I figure if you were like,
walking along, and it was raining, and the wind was blowing in your face, and you stepped in a puddle, and your girlfriend dumped you, and you just got in a fight and lost, you'd probably be having a pretty bad day.

But then if like, the next day, you got up and it was sunny and bright and everything was looking up, but then you went outside and your legs got chopped off by a helicopter... that'd probably be a worse day,

Or you could be this guy:

Brevity Is The Stamp Of Beauty

I read this poem on the subway. I love the feeling of falling in love with words. It's like a summer romance that leaves warm memories but didn't end in heartbreak because you knew it wouldn't last and there would always be another...

I take my Anna everywhere.
She is so beautiful she can break
a man's heart with a look,
the proud thrust of her shoulder.

She tells me she will die young.
I tell her all beautiful women have the same
premonition. Brevity is the stamp
of beauty, sealing it in the mouths of men.

I take my Anna everywhere.
She has the unpitying gaze of a goddess.
All the men who see her
want to live their wrecked lives forever.

There's a Hole In My Pocket That's About Her Size... But I Think Everything's Gonna Be Alright

Sometimes when I can not write, I wait for the happy thoughts to pass. When the darkness returns, the words flow again and make their mark.

I've been spending the last few nights staying up late, writing stories about writing stories. I figure out the plot, and the main ideas, and then leave it open for weeks or months before I fill everything in between. Just like life, if you really want to go there.

I've been feeling inspired to write stories about broken hearted people. I think those are the most interesting of people. I think that when I am broken hearted myself, I am at my most interesting. Although, I don't wish it upon anyone. At the same time, I wish it on everyone. The lessons of life amount not to wisdom, but to scar tissue and callus.

Anticipating a broken heart is similar to the feelings you experience before you jump out of a plane. You feel it all over. You're sick to your stomach. You can't think straight. You want to throw up and cry and scream and you pray to god that the parachute will open and save you. And although you're scared to death while you're falling, it's almost a thrill. And when the parachute has opened and you realize you're gonna be okay. You realize that this whole time, it has been a thrill. That's when you actually realize, that you really are going to be okay. You'll live.

It might not seem obvious that we know our dreams from our waking life. If someone asks you how you can be sure, really sure, that you do not every morning fall asleep from the reality of flying through clouds and speaking with animals and cascading through time, to the dream life of going to school and doing the dishes and always seeing the same people again and again, you don't really have to argue with them. Or so it might seem.

Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dog

Senator Alan Simpson describes our youth to a T! *Hilarious!!!!

There Are Many Ways Of Going Forward, But Only One Way Of Standing Still

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots. 

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.
[Thanks Lauren for sending this to me xoxo]

"This Moment Is So Much Bigger Than I Am"

It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it -- Lena Horne

Before I recap the Oscars from last night, let me summarize the Razzies: the awards that go to the worst movies and actors. Last year Sandra Bullock won both the Oscar AND the Razzie. Is it still considered a "big win" if you're technically winning an award that's calling you a loser?

Worst picture/ Worst eye-gouging misuse of 3D: The Last Airbender
Worst Actor: Ashton Kutcher for "Killers" and "Valentines Day"
Worst Actress and On-Screen Ensemble and Worst Sequel: The women of Sex And The City 2
Worst Supporting Actress: Jessica Alba for "Machete", "Valentines Day" and "Little Fockers"

The big winners at the Oscars last night:
Best Picture: The King's Speech-- was it a hint that the montage before presenting the award was done with the Colin Firth's reading of the King's Speech in the background?
Best Actor: Colin Firth-- amazing and kind man, very glad to have had the opportunity to meet him!
Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale-- great performance and great speech. Awesome that he poked fun at himself and his past inappropriate rant
Best Actress: Natalie Portman-- her acceptance speech was so genuine and sincere, I loved it!
Best Supporting Actress: Melissa Leo-- possibly controversial after she staged her own campaign to consider her for the win. Also, dropped an F-bomb on stage on live television. ooooops!
Best Documentary: Inside Job
Best Cinematography: Inception
Best Animated Feature Film: Toy Story 3
Best original screenplay: The King's Speech
Best adapted screenplay: The Social Network
Best visual effects: Inception
Best sound mixing: Inception
Best sound editing: Inception
Best original song: Toy Story 3
Best original score: The Social Network

Fun facts about the Oscars and the Actors:

• James Franco was originally cast in Joseph Gordon-Levitt's role in Inception, but had to drop out due to scheduling conflicts. I'm not surprised, he takes on a lot. He loves jobs!
• Hailee Steinfeld from True Grit brought a swear jar on set with her and raised around $350 from her foul-mouthed co-stars. It was donated to the Alzheimer's Foundation
• Jesse Eisenberg says he talked fast in The Social Network not to mimic Mark Zuckerberg, but to cram a 165-page screenplay into a 120-minute movie
• One hundred inflatable dolls had their hair and makeup done for The Kings Speech to pose as spectators in the opening scene at Wembley Stadium
• The script for The King's Speech was held off from being written at the request of the Queen mother (Helena Bonham Carter's character in the film) until she passed away in 2002
• 2003 Harvard graduate, Natalie Portman gave Sorkin some insider information before writing The Social Network. She contacted him saying, "Listen, come over for dinner and I'll tell you some stories"
• Cheryl Burke and Tony Dovolani from Dancing With The Stars choreographed Buzz Lightyear's Spanish jigs in Toy Story 3
• Toy Story 3 is only the third animated film to be nominated for Best Picture. The previous two were also Disney films: Beauty and the Beast, and UP!
• The Kodak Theatre which has hosted the Oscars since 2001 was designed with this awards show in mind. It seats 3300 for the event.
• Unlike the rest of the Best Actress contenders, Nicole Kidman never earned a high school diploma
• Michelle Williams and Ryan Gosling both gained 15 lbs for Blue Valentine
• The Oscar curse: In the last 75 years, 60% of the Best Actress contenders got divorced some time after the Oscars, including five of the last ten winners. The Post-Oscar divorce curse has hit winners: Halle Berry, Hilary Swank, Reese Witherspoon, Kate Winslet, and Sandra Bullock. Fingers crossed, for the newly pregnant, newly engaged Natalie Portman.

Also, are you aware of the gift bags that the celebs and lucky attendees get to take home? Check out the list of goodies. The last one on the list is what I'm most jealous of.

“Night Has Brought To Those Who Sleep, Only Dreams They Can Not Keep.”

Many things, such as loving, going to sleep, or behaving unaffectedly are done worst when we try hardest to do them

We've been complaining long enough that there aren't enough hours in a day.

I think it's about time that humans evolve and require less hours of sleep.

Check out my new website for my fitness business!
I'm here to help you reach your health and fitness goals, whether it's to lose weight, build muscle, slim down, tone up, improve energy and stamina, eat healthier... etc.

www.coachmarley.com

The Market Of Romantic Story Telling

Movies teach us some strange life lessons, don't they?

Aladdin: Lie to everyone and pretend you're someone you're not, so people will like you
Grease: Change your entire image, personality, and style, so that bad boy you have a crush on will like you

Although I am one of the biggest Disney fans on this earth, I'm certain that Disney movies greatly influence girls in picking their mates and making romance and fairy tales a priority. I recently read that men want women who want a marriage, not just a wedding. Disney is great for showing the romance leading up to that special day, but the credits roll and the rest of the story is left up to our imagination to come up with how they dealt with life obstacles such as: paying the bills, reproducing, how to deal with the ankle biters made from of their own genetic material. Not to mention, in the fairytale world, dragons and sword fights and talking animals take place pretty often, adding more conflict to the mix.

Are we brainwashed? All the stories end the same way every time: "happily ever after". Along with the expectations for singing birds and pitch perfect voices and perfect skin, little girls are being set up for disappointment. Is it fair that society blames Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus for influencing our youth? Blame the mermaids and the princesses and the ones that showed off their bellies way before "Hit me baby one more time".

Let me show you some examples:

Ariel: A wild free-spirited girl who didn't listen to her father and was into older men. The first time she sees Prince Eric she's naked on the beach. And then she gets married at 16, just after she betrayed her entire species of mer-people and changed everything she was for a guy.

Snow White: This lady wears way too much makeup and is very impulsive in love. She lived with seven men. And jumped onto the prince's horse after knowing him for less than 60 seconds.

Jasmine: "At least some good will come of my being forced to marry. When I am Queen, I will have the power to get rid of you". Uhh, spoiled brat! Just like Ariel, didn't listen to her father, and showed way too much skin throughout the whole movie.

Cinderella: Cinderella was insecure and didn't respect curfew. She stayed out late and used her friends for rides and to make clothes for her and ditched those same friends once she got a boyfriend.

Ask Me Where I’m Going... Who knows? Ahead.

______________________________________


Well, we've all got to draw the line somewhere.

"I am a revisionist. Life was never different than this. Life was never better".

You Always Hurt The Ones You Love

You always hurt the ones you love, the one you shouldn't hurt at all
You always take the sweetest rose, and crush it until the petals fall.
You always break the kindest hearts, with a hasty word you can't recall.
And if I broke your heart last night it's because I love you most of all

I have never cried so much from a movie. Other than award shows, I am normally very stable in my emotions while watching television. Why award shows bring me to tears is another story-- watching people's dreams come true on national television is so heartwarming and has me bawling my eyes out. I saw the movie Blue Valentine last night and couldn't stop thinking about it since I left the theatre. I even tweeted: "I'll tell you how amazing this movie is when and if I stop crying".

Well, I've stopped crying.

It's the kind of movie that leaves you in awe. You leave the theatre feeling so sad you're numb, and not sure if you should cry, but eventually break down in your car sitting in the parking lot. I've never been so touched by a movie. I actually cried for the majority of the way home, with my boyfriend offering ice cream and treats to convince me to stop.

When we watch movies we empathize with the characters, and that must be why I was so moved. I felt so angry and frustrated and sad and heartbroken. I had stomach pains just like I feel in real life when I come into situations dealing with anxiety.

Sadness, things falling apart, toxic love. It's so fascinating to me. Definitely one of my new favorite movies... which will need to be watched with plenty of kleenex on hand next time.

Hollywood: The Cage To Catch Our Dreams

Every country gets the circus it deserves. Spain gets bullfights. Italy gets the Catholic Church. America gets Hollywood.

Just want to say... I totally called this yesterday: ET Online: Selena Gomez Receieves Threats Following Cuddle Pics with Justin Bieber
http://www.etonline.com/music/106124_Selena_Gomez_Receives_Threats_Following_Cuddle_Pics_with_Justin_Bieber/index.html

I read today that Ryan Gosling from The Notebook said that the movie has resulted in breakups, after causing hopeless romantics to have unreasonably high standards.

"People would come up to me and tell me that they thought it was romantic, but one guy told me that he was engaged and (his fiancee) broke up with him after that movie because she said to him, 'You wouldn't build a house for me, would you?' He was like, 'Well, no, but I don't know how.' She said, 'But if you knew how?' He said, 'No, I wouldn't. But it doesn't mean I don't love you.' She said, 'Yeah, it does.' And she called it off."

Surely, there had to be other problems in the relationship leading her to come to that conclusion, but it made me think of other movies that may set our standards too high. We already use movies and television and pop culture media as a way to step in someone else's shoes and feel their emotions, tying them in to our own lives. Then we look at our own lives in comparison and forget that their fictional lives were influenced by a multimillion dollar blockbuster budget as well as experienced writers, stuntmen, and publicists.