When You Can't Go Back You Must Keep Moving Forward

There is an animal that can live forever! It is a beautiful, tiny kind of jellyfish called "Turritopsis Nutricula" and you know what? If they can do it, then maybe we can, too.

As you may have noticed, the blog has been COMPLETELY redesigned!!! Thanks a million to John! :)

I wrote a story about a musician always on the road, travelling through different time zones. But the watch on his wrist will always say what time it is at home. Every night, a different crowd and different sounds. The only thing constant is the complete unawareness of location and time. What a feeling: to wake up and not know if its late night or early morning. What a feeling: to wake up to voices from the other room and not recognize the accent. What a feeling: to wake up… to look at your watch and feel alone…

"I Don't Think That There Are Any Limits To How Excellent We Could Make Life Seem."

Old peanuts collections have the best names ever. "Don't hassle me with your sighs, Chuck." and "Duck! Here comes another day." and "Kiss her, you blockhead." Charles Schulz taught people how to live.

Remember the LoveGivesMeHope blog post I wrote a few days ago?

The posts I read on LoveGivesMeHope.com gave me an idea to make my own notebook of memories and moments.

Its such a nice thing to keep memories written down to look back on. I guess thats a big thing about the blog too-- that I can write about anything and even if I don't get personal, I can remember exactly what I was feeling when I wrote those metaphors or quoted those lyrics. Although its different because it's open to absolutely anyone in the world to read-- people I know, people I don't know, people I used to know but have chosen to not know anymore. That's one thing that I'm not sure how comfortable I am about-- that I can come back to Edmonton and run into someone in a bar and try to catch up, but really, they've been reading the posts I've been writing every day for the last 8+ months and they already know. Not complaining-- I put it up here to be read, I love to connect with any of the readers.

Anyway, I'm making a notebook of memories. Just one liners or small paragraphs. Summaries of things that happened that made me feel good, or special, or loved.

Even the small things, like being surprised with your favorite cookie, or someone going out of their way to tell you something nice.

Make more effort to appreciate the small things

Kiss No One But Me, Under The Apple Tree

"We could imagine all sorts of universes unlike this one, but this is the one that happened."

I'm home!!!

It's been an eventful 24 hours with arriving to Edmonton for the first time in 6 months, having my family meet my boyfriend, and seeing my grandparents again- who mean the world to me.

It was quite the special moment to be reunited with my grandparents. I should have been prepared with waterproof mascara. I'm pretty sure they are in love with John already because my Gido gave him a watch and wants to take pictures of us tomorrow.

My Gido has told us that he wants a picture of him shaking John's hand, of John carrying in vegetables from my grandparent's garden, and a picture of John and I kissing under their apple tree.

And he was crying while he told us this so of course I was quite the emotional mess as well.

Looking forward to tomorrow :D

Oh, and this is my mom's new office-- my old bedroom. They knocked down the wall and removed all of my stuff!
...Hate to admit, it looks pretty nice (ignore the terrible blackberry camera quality...and John pretending to be on the phone haha)

Slow Dancing In A Burning Room

Do you ever find yourself lying in bed next to the one you love and think....
"I could punch them square in the face right now".

Why is that the first thought after "Aww, look how peaceful they are"?

__________________________________________________

I went to the John Mayer concert yesterday. I was surprised. He played everything I wanted to hear and more. And he taught me that loneliness is all in your head. Your mind does the most F*ed up things when you're lonely. Or when you think you're lonely. Me acknowledging this won't prevent me from being lonely ever again. It's one of the worst, but most common emotions. You can experience several different degrees of it several times a day.

I saw lots of re-posts yesterday of yesterday's blog, so I take it that you enjoyed the video. Sweet :)
Enjoy this one... I sure do ;)

I Dare You Not To Cry

The emotional blog posts are not stopping here.

I saw this video yesterday with the title: "I Dare you not to cry"
...I didn't last 10 seconds, and its 10 minutes long and I cried through the whole thing.

Happy Hour Is A Nap

Reasons why I feel that I am getting old

• I cry a lot of happy tears. All the time!!
  You bought me flowers? Aww! *tear.
  You paid for my transportation to Ajax? Aww! *tear.
  You made my bed for me?! Aww!!!!!! *tear
• When I don't hear from someone for a while I start to worry that they're dead. I blame this emotion on my mother.
• I'm having a lot of dreams about Dan Akroyd...? I have no idea why.
• When Tiffany goes out for the evening I feel I have Empty Nest Syndrome
• I recently had a heated argument about mortgages
• Instead of flipping straight to the entertainment section of the newspaper, I go to the stock market
• Last but not least, I'm eating vegetables without being told to.

Who have I become!?

I wonder if my parents had empty nest syndrome when I left home.
Probably not. More like... we-now-have-an-empty-bedroom, lets-renovate-and-increase-the-value-of-our-house and-make-her-sleep-on-the-couch-when-she-comes-to-visit... syndrome

I also laugh at my own jokes.

John squishing the CN tower. HA!

I Can Do This On My Own

Isn't the courageous thing about being free, being able to cast off everything you love? It is easy enough for someone who is not neurotic (though few of us are not neurotic) to cast off whatever they do not love. But love makes prisoners of us all

I've been thinking lately about the decisions I've made. And the decisions I didn't make. Which I guess will always lead back to the decisions I have made.

Like being offered everything you've ever wanted--- before you're ready for it. And then still reaching for it for months or years afterward. Maybe the rest of your life. You never know if it would have worked out or if you would be worse off.

I think of the "what ifs" but I have no regrets. I've got nothing but time.

Good Luck, All Of You, Finding Love Wherever You Look Or Don't Look For It

"love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give -- which is everything."


Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value.
Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point -
That others will be preferred and rewarded more than you.
There is only one alternative - self-value.
If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved.
You will always think it's a mistake or luck.
Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within.
Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences.
Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security.
Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them.
-Jennifer James

Kiss Me Goodbye, I'm Defying Gravity

I found some train tracks through Toronto, a parking lot for a picnic at two in the morning, things to be sad about but hopeful, choices that back up what we say, playgrounds to climb on, roofs to scratch elbows against, cars to jump over, warnings to leave for others

Yesterday I wrote a story about the fat lady. Not just any fat lady. THE Fat lady. You know the one... "It's not over until the fat lady sings". I wrote a story about her, and how she's taking revenge and waiting until you least expect it to jump out and end things.
Like right in the middle of a romantic dinner--- It's over.
Right at the good part in an action/suspense movie--- It's over.

Speaking of romantic dinner... It's my boyfriend's birthday today! I think I'm more excited for it than he is, because I have huge surprise plans!! ...which I was about to post on here-- cause its not like he reads this anyway-- but I'll post everything this weekend (possibly with pictures) when it's all over.

In other news, did you know that the United States tried to rename French Fries to Freedom Fries when the congress of the USA had an argument with France??

It's like if there was an independent nation called heroin and we got mad at it and we were like "We're renaming heroin freedom". The nation of heroin would probably be like, "Thank you!"

...the things you learn from Nerd Fighters.

Whispers For Secrets

I walked around uptown today for almost 2 hours talking to myself, and hoping I wouldn't see anyone I knew. I avoided my own reflection in the store front windows, and thought about the time you told me you always check my horoscope too.

Sometimes its the wrong people
that notice
how much you do
or how much you go out of your way
or tell you
how successful you'll be
or how proud they are of you
or care to
answer their phones
send the occasional message
reply to the occasional message

I don't think it ever ends-- letting go. It's unfortunate that sometimes we have to go through a process of losing in order to gain.

WORST KEPT SECRET OF THE DAY:
Metric will be playing a "secret gig" at Union subway station tomorrow (August 4th) at 7pm.

Untangled

I had a dream last night that I was walking along the lake close to my boyfriend's house. And then suddenly there were 2 of me, and the other one started walking into the water- which startled me because this water is gross and I'm convinced if you swim in it your future children will come out with extra limbs. Anyway, I'm yelling at her-or myself- to come back, and then she- I mean I- turn around without a word, smile, and wave, and then continue walking into the water until I disappear under the surface... Leaving me alone.

Now what the heck is that supposed to mean?

Top 10 Things

Today's post is brought to you with the assistance of Jillian Walker, a young and ambitious mover and shaker from Calgary who I strongly admire. You can check out her blog: jillianwalker.wordpress.com . She posted this on her facebook, a letter written by Sherold Barr: The Top 10 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Turned 30.

"I am writing to tell you what helped me wake up to reality. What I know for sure is that external "things" do not make a meaningful or inspired life. I want to share what I've learned to help you experience more freedom and joy, and inspire you to help my generation save our living planet.

My Top 10:

1. Your body is your guidance system. Tuning into your body gives you rapid feedback. Your body communicates through emotions and energy. Move toward what gives you a spark, and move away from what leaves you feeling exhausted, and your body will lead you to your best life.

2. Thoughts are the cause of all suffering. If you stay in a job that deadens you, it's a thought that keeps you there. If you find yourself stuck, it's because of a story. Any thought that keeps you from being happy is a lie! If you want to feel freedom, question your thoughts. Change your thoughts, and you can transform your life.

3. Your inner lizard is pumping out lack and attack fears. Let's talk about how our brains are wired. All animal brains include reptilian cores. Martha Beck calls it our inner lizard. Its purpose is to pump out survival fears all day long. When we listen to it, we become anxious and fearful and this blocks our creativity and problem solving abilities. The solution? Become the watcher of your thoughts and notice those lack and attack thoughts. You don't have to listen to your inner lizard.

4. Screw the rules! Like the bumper sticker says, "Question Authority." Question all thoughts, beliefs, social and cultural conditioning, and dogma. Screw these rules! If you are living by someone else's rules, then you aren't following your own destiny. Learn this now, or you will wake up at midlife feeling trapped.

5. The world of work is changing. Internet guru Seth Godin says it well - today, the good jobs go to linchpins. He says, "Linchpins leverage something internal, not external, to create a position of power and value." Your own creativity and passion are your best work assets.

6. You and only you are responsible for your own happiness. Get this into your head right now. If you don't learn this now, you will learn it when you are my age. You will wake up and realize that you've lived someone else's life. It's up to you to edit out what doesn't give you fire, meaning, or happiness.

7. Dream your next big adventure. Envisioning what you want has real power. By setting intentions daily and managing your thoughts, you will reach your goals. This is called deliberate creation, and it is the only way to create the life you desire.

8. Be willing to suck at it! If you want to learn something new and get good at it, you have to be willing to suck at it. The key is to "be willing" and put your ego on the shelf while you are learning. So don't let fear stop you from learning something new. Just be willing to suck as you learn it.

9. The material world will not bring you true happiness. My generation was taught to think that happiness and success come from consumption. Materialism doesn't bring you happiness. The media keeps feeding our need to buy more (appealing to our inner lizard of lack) and then we end up in our 50s or 60s with too much stuff and chained to The Man. We ask ourselves, "Is this all there is?" I am not saying that having abundance is a bad thing. What I am saying is that it is not the answer to happiness. Try hearing your soul's answer to these questions:

-Who or what inspired me today?

-Where did I experience a sense of comfort, peace, and balance?

-What (not who) made me happy today?

10. The world needs our help. Paul Hawkins noted that your generation ".will have to figure out how to be a human being on earth at a time when every living system is declining, and the rate of decline is accelerating." We need your energy, passion, and commitment to help us save our living planet. We raised you to believe that you could accomplish your dreams. How can you harness your power and passion to save our planet?

The answer is to become aware. Eckhart Tolle says that humans have lost touch with the stillness inside and our connection to nature. We have forgotten what animals and plants still know - how to be. In stillness we can find what we need to save the planet.

That's what I wish I'd known before I was 30. I hope you can use these 10 things to start living better now. The world needs you.

If All You Wanted Was Me, Then I'd Give You Nothing Less

Jared Followill and I made eye contact at the kings of leon concert last night. I am 100% certain that by look in his eyes he thought: "I totally remember meeting this girl 5 years ago in a shoppers drug mart in Vancouver and I've dreamed of the day we'd meet again and now my wishes are finally true at last, and my heart and soul are finally complete."

I'm pretty intuitive, you know.

And then my friend Steve drove us home- and I'm specifically writing this because I know he reads my blog every day. Steve is a good friend because he's always there for me, and knows to turn the air conditioning down in the car because I get cold easily. And because he makes me laugh when he tells me Jared Followill was spotted downtown Toronto at my intersection looking for me.

Woop Woop Woop Woop Weep Weep Weep (the guitar chords, in Closer, by Kings of Leon)

It costs nothing to say something kind. Even less to shut up altogether

I'm going to see one of my favorite bands tonight for the 4th time... Kings Of Leon!!
Did you hear about the Kings of Leon show that got cancelled last week?

KOL were performing in St. Louis, and there happened to be an infestation of pigeons in the rafters above the stage. Both of the opening acts got bombed with bird poop, but the band figured it was too late to cancel the show, so they went on stage. They only got three songs in before Jared, the bassist (and my dream man), had a pigeon poop in his mouth/face.

Of course I understand, and I'm really annoyed at the critics that are saying that this was immature of the band. Do you realize this is a toxic hazard? Gross.

However, Jared is still a gorgeous man... Although the pigeon poop is quite the turn off.